I'm Afraid of Men.

by Vivek Shraya

I’M AFRAID OF MEN because it was men who taught me fear. I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear the word girl by turning it into a weapon they used to hurt me. I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to hate and eventually destroy my femininity. I’m afraid of men because it was men who taught me to fear the extraordinary parts of myself.

I carry makeup wipes to all my gigs so that I can quickly “take off my face,” as I say to my friends, before I leave the relative safety of the performance venue. The saddest part of the night is when I peel my bindi off my forehead and let it fly into the wind, a symbolic parting with a piece of myself.

I’M AFRAID OF MEN not because of any singular encounter with a man. I’m afraid of men because of the cumulative damage caused by the everyday experiences I’ve recounted here, and by those untold, and by those I continue to face.

Why is my humanity only seen or cared about when I share the ways in which I have been victimized and violated?