I'm Afraid of Men.

by Vivek Shraya

What would my body look like if I didn’t want affection from gay men and protection from straight men? What would my body look and feel like if I didn’t have to mould it into both a shield and an ornament? How do I love a body that was never fully my own? —

“Does it bother you that I haven’t said it?” I ask, as you lie with your head on my chest. “Said what?” Your face turns up to look at me. “You know. The three special words.” You lift yourself off me. “Oh. I didn’t say ‘I love you’ because I wanted you to say it back.” “You didn’t?” “No. It kind of bothers me that ‘I love you’ is treated like the destination in a relationship. I told you because that’s how I feel and I wanted you to know.”

I’ve allowed myself to imagine a future in which I don’t eventually kill myself.