In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction

by Gabor Maté

Psychological maturation is the development of a sense of self as separate from inner experience—a capacity entirely absent in the young child. The child has to learn that she is not identical with whatever feeling happens to be dominant in her at any particular moment. She can feel something without her actions being automatically dictated by that feeling. She can be aware of other, conflicting feelings or of thoughts, values and commitments that might run counter to the feeling of the moment. She can choose. In the addict this experience of “mixed feelings” is often lacking. Emotional processes rule the addict’s perspective: whatever she is feeling at the moment tends to define her view of the world and will control her actions. The same applies in the realm of relationships: for maturation the child must become unique and separate from other individuals. She has to know her own mind and not be overwhelmed by the thoughts, perspectives or emotional states of others. The better differentiated she becomes, the more she is able to mix with others without losing her sense of self. The individuated, well-differentiated person can respond from an open acceptance of his own emotions, which are not tailored either to match someone else’s expectations or to resist them. He neither suppresses his emotions nor acts them out impulsively.