In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction

by Gabor Maté

That sneering word “little” may articulate precisely how Conrad feels about himself at the core of his psyche—our sneers always tell us who we feel we are. A powerful person’s self-esteem may appear to be high, but it’s a hollow shell if it’s based on externals, on the ability to impress or intimidate others. It’s what psychologist Gordon Neufeld calls conditional or contingent self-esteem: it depends on circumstances. The greater the void within, the more urgent the drive to be noticed and to be “important,” and the more compulsive the need for status. By contrast, genuine self-esteem needs nothing from the outside. It doesn’t say, “I’m worthwhile because I’ve done this, that or the other.” It says, “I’m worthwhile whether or not I’ve done this, that or the other. I don’t need to be right or to wield power, to amass wealth or achievements.”