In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction

by Gabor Maté

A child can also feel emotional distress when their parent is physically present but emotionally unavailable. Even adults know that kind of pain when someone important to us is bodily present but psychologically absent. This is the state the seminal researcher and psychologist Allan Schore has called “proximal separation.”12 Given that the child’s dependence is as much emotional as physical, in normal circumstances a child who senses emotional separation will seek to reconnect with the parent. Once more, the parent’s loving response will flood the brain with endorphins and ease the child’s discomfort. Should the parent not respond, or not respond adequately, endorphins won’t be released, and the child will be left to his own inadequate coping mechanisms—for example, rocking or thumb-sucking as ways of self-soothing or tuning out to escape his distress. Children who have not received the attentive presence of the parent are, as we will see, at greater risk for seeking chemical satisfaction from external sources later in life.