In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction

by Gabor Maté

Although we may believe we are acting out of love, when we are critical of others or work very hard to change them, it’s always about ourselves. “The alcoholic’s wife is adding to the level of shame her husband experiences,” says Anne, a veteran of AA. “In effect, she is saying to the addict, he is bad and she is good. Perhaps she is in denial about her addiction to certain attitudes, like self-righteousness, martyrdom or perfectionism. What if, on the other hand, the wife said to her husband: ‘I’m feeling good today, honey. I only obsessed about your drinking once today. I’m really making progress on my addiction to self-righteousness. How are you feeling?’ Wouldn’t that be a loving way to approach each other rather than one person trying to control another’s addiction? After all, if the developmental roots of the addiction process lie in insufficient attachment, recovery includes forming attachments. As with good parenting, real attachment relationships are based on truth. The truth is, a wife who thinks she does not have plenty of her own spiritual or psychological work to do, that is, one for whom another’s behavior becomes the central determinant of her own emotional/spiritual condition, is not in touch with the truth.”