How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't

by Lane Moore

When it’s not that simple, or you don’t have any of that information, it’s that much easier to go your whole life thinking it’s just you; you’re too sensitive, you’re wrong, you need too much, you could fix your relationship with them if you wanted to, if you would just do the right thing, whatever that is, only God knows, but you should die trying.

My extended family exists, and I passively love most of them in the same way you might if you saw a childhood teacher at the grocery store who always seemed nice enough.

At this point in my life, I often fear it’s too late, as if there were a sign-up deadline for intimacy and friends and family and I just kept missing it.

We have to erase the idea that if you come from anything less than a Good Family, you are bad.

At times I’ve struggled to feel seen, to have my history feel seen, to have where I come from feel seen because I “turned out great.” But that doesn’t mean that I Am Fine. I am working every day, tirelessly, like you wouldn’t believe, on being fine, fucking finally, can we get this over with, I’m so tired and I just want to travel and eat and smile and move through the world with a semblance of peace.

Telling yourself not to look for love is like telling yourself not to look for food or air or water or clothes that fit you perfectly. Sure, maybe those things will find you, but since they’re all wonderful, you probably want to really put in the effort to find them. But here’s the thing: Implementing a strategy on how to find love, even if that strategy is to not look for it, IS STILL LOOKING FOR IT.

Telling people who actively want to find love that they should stop wanting to find love so they can find love is like telling a depressed person they can be happy only once they don’t want to be happy. What the shit is that? It makes zero sense.

We all want love. We do. It’s what makes us people with hearts and feelings and access to so many romantic comedies. And sure, maybe some people found love by releasing their need to find it, and that’s great. But stop telling people that they need to actively change who they are in order to find love. Because even if you do find love that way, changing yourself to find it means your partner may not have fallen for the real you anyway.

I swear there were years of my life when I dated guys who brought me flowers every time they saw me and sent me love letters in the mail and wrote poetry. Or drew me as a cool little cartoon or took me to this incredibly romantic out-of-the-way spot so we could sit there and look at the stars and trees and feel like we were inside a rom-com. And then at some point, things changed. My hunch is, as soon as “Netflix and chill” became an option, a lot of guys were, like, “Whoa, we don’t have to put in any effort at all? Rad.” And we went along with it in an attempt to be Chill Girls who didn’t need all that stuff anyway.

I don’t know when a date went from a beautiful, elaborately planned evening designed to steal your heart and prove how much they liked you to “You wanna come chill on my roof?” because that lazy bullshit is not working for me.

Why did we stop wanting dinner and a movie and maybe flowers, because why not flowers?! When did we stop thinking that courtship was too time consuming and everything romantic comedies waxed on about was just a dumb fairy-tale concept, instead of our expectation for romantic love?

I’m tired of pretending I’m cool with whatevs. I’m tired of pretending that laziness can replace thoughtfulness and still be acceptable to me. I want it all, man. I want someone who asks me out to make an actual plan, whether that plan involves a jet or a stack of nickels (money is not the issue here), then picks me up at my house and takes me on an actual date full of adorable surprises, not for any kind of financial display necessarily, but because they want me to know that they know I’m special and worth it. I want sweetly curated Spotify playlists and texts in the middle of the day that say cheesy shit like “Hi, I miss you and you’re gorgeous and very smart and have a lot of nice jeans, bye.” I want someone who will be the kind of boy...

I would take time off from dating, I would let love find me, I would meet someone through my friends, I would stop looking and focus only on myself, and if I met anyone great, we would be friends first, yeah! I would go to (more) therapy, I would work out, I would go through all of the hoops to be ready enough to “deserve” the love I wanted. What could go wrong?

If you see a woman who is working super hard to become who she’s meant to be and to achieve the things she wants to achieve, and you have nothing to add to her life or to give back to her in any way, please just leave her the fuck alone.

I’ve realized that sometimes being alone actually truly is better than being around people, especially if they’re the wrong people. Sometimes you just need time to yourself and it doesn’t make you weird or wrong. It’s a sign you really like spending time with you, which is healthy as shit, so good job.

More than anything, know that you’re never totally alone. We’re all fed this idea that if we’re not with our perfect person, or the perfect group of Friends-like friends (they weren’t perfect, but you get what I mean) then we’re totally alone. False: You have waiting room friends, or you have coworkers you make jokes with sometimes, or you have that cool old lady at the grocery who smiles at you every time she sees you. And all those people are glad you exist, even on the most basic level.

Be the person you’ve been waiting for. I know it sucks, but what’s the alternative? Complaining about it? As much as I validate that life choice and find myself there often, it’s exactly like falling down in the street and crying for someone to pick you up because you’re in pain. It’d be great if they would. But they’re your legs and you have to pick yourself up, or you’ll just stay there forever.

But my point is, I think that’s what you do. You book that trip for yourself, you take yourself to dinner and enjoy it the same as if someone else took you out. You take all that love you keep giving to selfish idiots and try to throw some of it in the general direction of your own heart and you pray even a little bit of it sticks there.