If Cats Disappeared from the World

by Genki Kawamura

People forgot what it meant to be kept waiting. That feeling of unbearable impatience at not being able to get ahold of her, mixed with the warm feeling of hope and the shivering cold, was still fresh in my mind.

I’ve been stringing together the movies I’ve seen like rosary beads. All that human hope and disappointment held together by a thread. It doesn’t take much to realize that all life’s experiences eventually add up to one big inevitability.

In any case, I didn’t have anything to do on this particular day, so I thought I’d just kill some time, even though there was no time to kill. Even if I had decided to waste time, there was no time to waste either. This really left me with very little to go on.

But now I think I’m beginning to understand. With freedom comes uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety. Human beings exchanged their freedom for the sense of security that comes from living by set rules and routines—despite knowing that they pay the cost of these rules and regulations with their freedom.

Humans went ahead and had to impose their own order on a naturally recurring phenomenon. Years, months, hours, minutes, seconds. Every moment has its own name, and there’s no escaping this system.

Had I done anything significant during my thirty-year existence? I wondered. Had I spent time with the people whom I really wanted to spend time with? Had I said all that needed to be said to the people who mattered? Did I call my mother as much as I should have?

With his four white paws tucked in and folded underneath his black-and-gray fur, he looked like a perfectly round cushion. I stroked him and felt his little heart beating underneath my hand. I was in awe that such a life force flowed through this small creature as he lay there so still, sleeping peacefully.

As you go on with your life, always remember the things that are good in you.

I wondered, did she have any time to herself? Did she have any hobbies of her own? Were there things she wanted to do, hopes and dreams she held on to? I always wanted to thank her properly for all she’d done for, but never found the words. I never even bought her flowers because it seemed like a cheesy gesture at the time. Why couldn’t I at least have done something small for her? Why was this simple action so hard for me? Why did it take me this long to understand?

There’s a reason why everything exists in this world. And there’s no reason good enough for making them disappear.

“Yeah, but just being alive doesn’t mean all that much on its own. How you live is more important.”

“So you see, the form I take really depends on your imagination. The devil in your heart looks just like you.” “In physical appearance, sure. But your personality is totally different from mine.” “Exactly! That’s the important difference between me and you. In other words, I’m the person you could have been.” “In what sense?” “I’m the side of yourself that you’ve never shown to the world. You know, cheerful but shallow, wearing flashy clothes, doing whatever you want, whenever you want, without worrying about what other people would think, saying whatever comes to mind, no matter how inappropriate.”

I’m what you wanted to become but couldn’t. I’m both the closest and the furthest thing from who you are.”

People are fickle that way. Something they once valued becomes meaningless almost overnight. Even the most treasured presents, letters, and memories are forgotten about, eventually becoming useless odds and ends.

The figure staring back at me looked a lot like my father. I realized that, over time, I had come to look just like him. My face, my posture, my gestures. All the things I had hated for so long yet I couldn’t deny were now a part of me. I was his spitting image.