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It seemed like the times when I wasn’t able to get ahold of her was when she were on my mind the most.
It’s the future you’ll never get to see that you really regret missing most of all when you die.
“What’s wrong, Cabbage? Are you hungry?” That’s usually what he wants first thing in the morning. “No, that is not at all what I want.” “Okay then…” I was still struggling to believe that the cat was talking back to me. Cabbage let out a deep sigh. “Sir, you have once again completely failed to understand correctly.” “Sir?” I asked. Apparently he meant me. “What’s that all about?” How far was he going to take this gentleman bit? “If you’ll permit me to explain. When I want to go for a stroll, you always think I want to eat. When I do in fact want to eat, you think I want to rest—or ‘take a
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“Really, I must insist. Open the door this instant. I wish to go out.” Cabbage was in the small entryway to the apartment scratching at the door with his claws. I was more or less ready, so I finally opened the front door and we left for Cabbage’s walk.
“Dandelions,” I pointed out. When I said the word, Cabbage made a face. “One would call these dandelions?” he asked. “Didn’t you know?” “No.” “They’re a flower that blooms in spring.” “Ah, I see…” Cabbage went on to sniff every flower we passed along the roadside, asking after each one, “And what might one call this … and this one?”
I stroked him and felt his little heart beating underneath my hand. I was in awe that such a life force flowed through this small creature as he lay there so still, sleeping peacefully.
“I’m really sorry. I can’t help it. No matter how hard I try, I can’t remember anything. Although there is this one thing…” “What one thing?” “That I was happy. That’s all I remember.” “You were happy?” “Yes. That’s what I remember when I look at these photos. Simply that I was happy.” It seemed odd to me that Cabbage couldn’t remember any of the details of that trip—not of the inn, not even of Mom herself—but that he could somehow remember that he’d felt happy.
I never imagined that when she had such little time left, she would still only be thinking of us two. She didn’t have to, but she devoted her life to us till the very end.
As I looked at her face, my heart grew heavy thinking of all she had done for me. Right there in front of Cabbage, as I stared silently at the photograph, tears started rolling down my face and my voice caught in my throat.
Cats are really something, huh, I thought. They’re capable of completely ignoring you half the time, but then they seem to know when you’re really in need of some comforting.
And love, this magical thing that’s unique to human beings and can sometimes make us absolutely miserable, is also the thing that buoys the human spirit. Like time, color, temperature, and loneliness, love is one of those things that only humans experience. These things can rule over or control us, but they also allow us to live more fully. They are precisely what make us human.
I could also imagine him telling me like a faithful friend, “For you, sir, I would gladly disappear.”
It’s just like my mother said: Cats don’t need us. It’s us who needs them.
“I wonder what’s going to happen to me,” she pondered as she examined her skinny wrist. She had become so thin over the course of her illness. “I’ve become just like Lettuce.”
I called Dad at the shop immediately to tell him the news, but the phone just rang over and over again with no answer. He finally showed up a half hour after she’d already passed. When he arrived, he was holding Mom’s wristwatch in his hands. He hadn’t been able to get it going again. And while Mom’s lifeless body lay there before us, I cursed him. “What were you thinking? Are you crazy? Why spend all your time trying to fix that watch? At a time like this?” I was bewildered. I just couldn’t understand him, no matter how Mom tried to explain it.
But when the end was nearing, the only thing I cared about was being by Mom’s side, while the only thing Dad seemed to care about was repairing her watch. Even Mom’s death couldn’t bring us together.
“I’d be flattered if you continued to live, sir. I could never be happy in a world deprived of your existence.”
“We may think we own cats, but that’s not the way it is. They simply allow us the pleasure of their company.”
I couldn’t find any satisfaction in extending my life in exchange for other people losing something that they love so dearly. For me, cats are no different from the sun or the ocean or the air we breathe.
Somewhere deep inside, I always knew that you loved Mom more than anyone else in the world and that you even felt something special for Lettuce, even though you didn’t show it in the same way Mom and I did.
I chose the one with the yawning cat on it and stuck it to the envelope.
Dad, all these years I’ve wanted to see you, to say I’m sorry. To say thank you, and good-bye.
