Always Look on the Bright Side of Life: A Sortabiography

by Eric Idle

The evening progressed with beer and sausages, and after a couple of hours my attention was drawn to the sight of Terry Jones appearing onstage. He took the baton from the claw of the conductor and advanced on the audience. He had a glint in his eyes I recognized. Oh no. He began performing a strip tease, flapping his jacket back and forth across his body like a stripper, then provocatively removing it and twirling it above his head before flinging it away. He removed his tie, salaciously rubbing it between his legs, before chucking it tantalizingly into the audience. People in the hall were beginning to notice what was going on, half fascinated, half horrified. He began unbuttoning his shirt, bumping and grinding to the beat of the band, and then, turning around, he slowly removed it. He spun back round, arms high, revealing his naked chest, demanding applause, and then put his tongue out and began playing with his nipples. He moved inevitably to his trousers. Shit, he’s going to take his pants off, I thought. We’re going to get killed. Slowly and to some encouragement he removed his belt and then began to slide down his zipper. He unbuttoned his trousers and began to slip his pants down when the irate conductor raced onto the stage, grabbed him, and physically dragged him offstage. “We have to go,” I said to our hosts. “Get the car.” I raced to the side of the stage and managed to hustle Terry out of the hall, away from the Nazi table, who were indignantly watching this ...