What If This Were Enough?: Essays

by Heather Havrilesky

Instead of imagining the next text, the next tweet, the next Instagram post, the next flash of what my cousin did over spring break or what my neighbor ate for breakfast, what if I could imagine living in this moment, without wanting more? The question isn’t whether or not your stuff sparks joy. The question is: Can you spark joy all by yourself? Do you remember how that feels?

Sometimes I go online looking for inspiration, but all I find is evidence that everyone in the world is more energetic than me.

Facebook makes me forget those weary strangers at the DMV. Suddenly it feels like the whole world is populated by highly effective, hip professional women, running around from yoga classes to writing workshops, their fashionable outfits pulled taut over their abs of steel, chirping happily at each other about the upcoming publication of their second poetry chapbook—which is really going to make the move to the remodeled loft a little hectic, but hey, that’s life when you’re beautifulish and smartish and hopelessly productive!

My life has turned out great. So why am I comparing myself to some perfectly styled, enviable, energetic professional in my head? It’s like I keep ripping up the stupid sign and starting over. I keep saying to myself: “This is all wrong. You are all wrong.” I keep saying: “You should be a shiny, infallible adult by now. Why are you still such a mess?”

I want that for my daughters—and for everyone else who ever felt small when they heard the sound of a cleared throat, one that announces its right to hold forth before it utters a single word. The capable, the hardworking, those who tackle concrete tasks with stunning efficiency deserve that flavor of bravado. We should all learn to play nicely with others, sure, but not so nicely that we’re the ones organizing and scheduling and remembering while some dude gets to wander around, unfocused but still sure of his place in the world.

Sometimes when you are good at hard work, you give yourself too much of it. And with too much hard work in front of you, you might not also have the time and space to be truly brilliant.

Donald Trump certainly recognized that “change” didn’t have to mean anything concrete. It could simply mean that things were about to get unhinged and unpredictable in the manner of reality TV finales.