Master Your Emotions: A Practical Guide to Overcome Negativity and Better Manage Your Feelings (Mastery Series Book 1)

by Thibaut Meurisse

In their book, Ask and It is Given, Ester and Jerry Hicks offer a model to explain how emotional ranges are connected and how we can move up the ladder from negative, to more positive emotions. For instance, in this model, depression or hopelessness is at the bottom of the ladder followed by anger. What it means is that when you feel depressed, signs of anger indicate you’re climbing the emotional ladder. This makes sense. When you’re angry you have more energy than when you’re depressed, right?

Whenever you experience negative emotions, watch for emotions that give you more energy. So-called negative emotions like anger can help you overcome even more disempowering emotions, like hopelessness. Only you know how you feel. Therefore, if anger feels better, accept it.

Eight breathing cycles per minute: Relief from stress and increased awareness. Four breathing cycles per minute: Intense feelings of awareness, increased visual clarity, heightened bodily sensitivity. One breathing cycle per minute: Optimized cooperation between brain hemispheres, dramatic calming of anxiety, fear, and worry.

Could I let this feeling go? Could I allow this feeling to be here? Could I welcome this feeling?

Below are some examples of practices you can use based on how you want to feel: 1. Gratitude To feel more grateful, make gratitude a daily routine. Every morning, focus on what you’re grateful for. The more you practice, the better you’ll be able to focus on the positive side of things. Sadly, most of us know we should be grateful, but we aren’t. That’s why we must cultivate gratitude. As the late Jim Rohn said, “Our emotions need to be as educated as our intellect.” Here are some exercises you can use to cultivate a feeling of gratitude: A. Write down things you’re grateful for: Take a pen and a piece of paper, or even better, a dedicated notebook, and write down at least three things for which you are grateful. This will help you focus on the positive side of things. B. Thank people who crossed your life: Close your eyes and think of people you’ve met. As you picture them one after the other, thank them while acknowledging at least one good thing they did for you. If you happen to picture people you don’t like, thank them anyway and still look for one good thing they did for you. It could be making you stronger or teaching you a specific lesson. Don’t try to control your thoughts, simply let the faces of people you know come to your mind. Release any resentment you feel or have felt. C. Focus on one object and appreciate its existence: Select one item in your room and think of the amount of work and number of people involve in the process of creating it and delivering it...

In The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, Jim Dethmer and Diana Chapman introduced a very simple yet powerful model to help increase self-awareness. This model is extremely simple: a single line. The authors argue that, at any time, you’re either above or below the line. When you’re above the line, you’re open, curious and willing to learn, but when you’re below the line, you want to be correct and, as a result, you tend to be defensive and closed to new ideas. Put it simply, when you’re above the line you’re conscious, when you’re below the line you’re unconscious.

Another simple model you can use is the Fear vs. Love Model. Throughout your day, you either act out of fear or out of love.

See if you do one of the following things when receiving a compliment: Dismiss the whole thing as being no big deal: “Anybody could have done it.” Talk about all the things you did wrong while explaining what you could have done better. Try to return the compliment: “Thank you. I think you did a fantastic job, too.”

To improve your self-esteem, start acknowledging all the things you’re doing well. The following exercises will help you do that. Exercise 1 - Create a win log One of the best ways to acknowledge your accomplishments is to write them down. For this exercise, I encourage you to use your dedicated notebook. 1. First, write down everything you’ve accomplished in your life. Come up with a list of fifty things. If you run out of things, write smaller accomplishments. This will help you realize how much you’ve already accomplished. 2. At the end of each day, write down all the things you’ve accomplished that day. It can be simple things such as: I woke up on time I exercised, and I ate a healthy breakfast. Try to come up with five to ten things each day.

Self-esteem is a complex topic. It affects a lot of people and is often misunderstood. Overcoming low self-esteem takes time and effort. If you regularly feel you aren’t good enough, I encourage you to refer to the following books. If, upon reading these books, you realize you have severe and chronic self-esteem issues, you may want to consult a specialist. The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, by Nathaniel Branden, PhD. Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem, by Marilyn Sorensen, PhD. Low Self-Esteem: Misunderstood & Diagnosed: Why You May Not Find the Help You Need, by Marilyn Sorensen,

In his book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Branden, identified six practices (or pillars) of self-esteem you can work on to develop a healthier self-esteem: 1. Living consciously: In Nathaniel Branden’s words, “to live consciously means to seek to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, value, and goals—to the best of our ability, whatever that ability may be—and to behave in accordance with that which we see and know.” 2. Self-acceptance: Is choosing to value yourself, to treat yourself with respect and to stand up for your right to exist. Self-acceptance is the basis upon which self-esteem develops. 3. Self-responsibility: Is realizing no one is coming to save you and you are responsible for your life. It is accepting that you are responsible for your choices and actions. You are responsible for how you use your time, and for your happiness. Because only you can change your life. 4. Self-assertiveness: Means, honoring your wants, needs, and values and seeking appropriate forms of their expression in reality. 5. Living purposefully: Is to use your powers to achieve the goals you have selected. In other words, it’s your ability to set and achieve goals in every area of your life. 6. Personal integrity: Is behaving in a way that matches your ideals, convictions, and beliefs. It’s when you can look at yourself in the mirror and know you’re doing the right thing.

Whenever you become defensive, remember to ask yourself the following questions: What am I trying to protect here? Can I let go of that belief? What would I be without that belief?

Within every worry is an opportunity for positive action. In every lie, there is a kernel of truth. Behind every neurotic symptom is the misdirected desire to live fully and well. DAVID K. REYNOLDS, CONSTRUCTIVE LIVING.

You are the most important person in the world First, realize you are the most important person in the world. If you don’t believe me, remember the last time you felt intense pain. Perhaps, it was toothache or surgery, or maybe, you broke your leg in an accident. What were you thinking back then? Were you concerned about the famine in Africa? Did you worry about innocent people being killed in wars in the Middle East? No. The only thing you wanted is for the pain to go away. This is because you are the most important person in the world. Since you must live with yourself 24/7, it is normal to be concerned about your own mental and physical well-being.

When you resent people, you’re angry at them because they didn’t behave the way you wanted them to. Maybe they broke their promises, or perhaps they didn’t give you what you expected from them. Perhaps you believed they owed you something, but they failed to deliver?

As with any other emotion, resentment will grow in intensity following the formula: interpretation + identification + repetition = strong emotions. You can resent someone for years for a rather insignificant event based on: Your interpretation of the event Your identification with the story you’re telling yourself about it, and/or The number of times you replay the event in your mind.

Resentment will subsist as long as your need for being right and getting even is more important than your peace of mind.

Think of the negative consequences created by resentment. Write down how it affects your happiness and peace of mind. Remember, resentment is the result of your attachment to the past. Forgiveness is simply reconnecting with the only thing that is real, the present, while forgetting about what isn’t real, the past. Then, release it. Imagine how your life would be and how you would feel once you’ve let go of the resentment. Do it right now. Then, let go. Forgive.

You forgive not just because you have compassion, but because you value your happiness more than anything else.

Jealousy stems from the belief you aren’t good enough. It comes from a place of lack and scarcity. You want something someone else has, believing that it would fulfill you. Alternatively, you’re afraid of losing something or someone you believe is yours.

As Zig Ziglar said, “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want.” Remember, what other people can do, you can do as well. Remember also, success is not a limited resource.

Perhaps you’re afraid your boyfriend or girlfriend may cheat on you, or leave you for someone else. This usually comes from the belief you aren’t good enough, and you need your boyfriend or girlfriend to ‘complete’ you. Unfortunately (or fortunately), the same way you can’t control what people think of you or how they behave, you can’t control your loved one’s thoughts or behaviors either. Often, the very same desire to control your partner is what pushes them further away. While feeling jealous from time to time is normal, if you’re excessively jealous, it is essential you look within you. Your insecurities and fears usually come from a lack of self-esteem and from the fear that you can’t or won’t be loved.

The good news is that because you have the power to ‘create’ depression, you also have the power to climb out of it. However, in a negative state such as depression, ignoring negative thoughts and replacing them with more positive ones can be extremely challenging. Even if you try to think positive thoughts of gratitude, joy, or happiness, at first, they will seem to have no power. But you may experience other negative emotions such as anger for instance. You may ignore your anger at first. Your friends may even encourage you to do so—they would rather see you quiet and depressed, than angry. However, sometimes anger may help you move up the emotional ladder and overcome depression. Keep in mind, any emotions other than depression can help and learn to embrace whatever emotional state seems to give you more energy, and therefore provide more power to move up the emotional ladder.

Depression is a sign you’ve lost touch with reality. Have you noticed that human beings are one of the few species on earth that have the ability to become depressed? This is because they are the only ones who can get lost in their mind and become enslaved by negative thoughts and disempowering stories. Depression is a sign that you need to move away from your mind—by letting go of your worries about the past/future or your interpretation of the present situation—and reconnect to the present moment. It can be a powerful invitation to let go of the identity you’ve been clinging to for so many years. This identity is what led you to believe you should be doing certain things, making a certain amount of money, adopting a certain lifestyle, or developing a certain social status.

To overcome depression, it is essential for you to escape your mind. It’s easier to ‘feel’ your way out of depression than to ‘think’ your way out of it.

There is a law in nature: things either grow or die. The same goes for humans beings. When humans don’t move beyond their comfort zone, they start dying inside. Don’t let that happen to you. As Benjamin Franklin said, “Some people die at twenty-five and aren’t buried until seventy-five.” Make sure ‘some people’ doesn’t include you!

To start moving out of your comfort zone, you can ask yourself, “What is the one thing I should be doing, but fear has made me procrastinate over?” Once you do that one thing, you’ll likely experience a sense of pride and of being alive.

There are different reasons why people procrastinate. Below are some of them: The task is boring The task is seen as unimportant The task is too challenging (or perceived as such) You’re afraid you’ll do a poor job, and/or You are habitually lazy. Imagine if the task was lots of fun, perceived as important, and so easy you couldn’t fail, would you procrastinate?

Exercise - the cost of procrastination Now, take a sheet of paper and write down what procrastination costs you. How does it affect your peace of mind? Your self-esteem? Your ability to achieve your dreams? The more you’re sick and tired of procrastination, the more likely you will be to actually do something about it.

Look at your excuses. Are you too tired? Do you lack time? Are you trying to do everything perfectly? Now you’ve identified your story, create a new more empowering story to neutralize your old excuses. See the examples below: I don’t have time for that → I find and make time for whatever I’m committed to. I’m too tired → I have control over my mind and I have more energy than I imagine. When I schedule a task, I complete it. Then, create affirmations or mantras around your new story. Repeat them to yourself every morning and throughout the day until they become part of your identity. Remember, procrastination is a habit. You want to reprogram your mind and implement a new habit: the habit of working on the tasks you schedule whether you feel like it or not. (For more, refer to the section, ‘Conditioning your mind.’)

Your mind doesn’t like what’s difficult. It wants things to be easy. Thus, make sure you remove any friction or obstacle so you can work on your task immediately. For instance: If you want to run, have your running gear ready next to your bed so you can go run right after you wake up, (after a full warm-up first, of course). For computer-related tasks, remove all distractions from your desk and make sure you can access all the files you need immediately.

Instead of putting a lot of pressure on yourself, why not start small? Rather than writing two pages of your manuscript, maybe you can write one paragraph. Rather than exercising for one hour, why not start with five minutes? Making your tasks smaller will help you overcome procrastination. Not only that, but it will also allow you to build momentum. So, whenever you have an option, make sure you start small to reduce the pressure.

The best way to enter a ‘flow state’ is by getting started. To make it easier, decide to work on a task for only five minutes and see what happens. Remove any pressure or desire to perform well and give yourself permission to do a poor job. You’ll often end up working on the task for a lot longer than originally planned. Notice that the more attention your task requires, the more likely you are to enter the flow quickly.

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

The word ‘enthusiastic’ comes from Greek and means, ‘filled with the divine.’ If you lack enthusiasm, you’re probably out of touch with the essence of who you are.

Your core values will also affect your level of motivation. Perhaps, independence is vital for you. If so, being self-employed might be a better idea than having a 9-to-5 job. Or maybe you like novelty and want to be learning constantly. If so, doing the same repetitive job might not bring you much satisfaction.

Sometimes you lack motivation because you set a goal in a way that doesn’t inspire you. While the goal may be something you genuinely want, the way you frame it, or work on it is just not motivating you.

To learn more about how to create a morning ritual, you can refer to my book, Wake Up Call: How to Take Control of Your Morning and Transform Your Life.

Your emotions are here to guide you. Learn as much as you can from them, and then let them go. Don’t cling to them as if your existence depends on them. It doesn’t. Don’t identify with them as though they define you. They don’t. Instead, use your emotions to grow and remember, you are beyond emotions. How could you not be? They come and go, but you stay. Always.