A Wish For Us

by Tillie Cole

I lived for this moment. The pause. The held breath before the chaos.

I closed my eyes and opened my mouth, letting my biggest joy fly free. The answered prayer that was lyrics to a melody. A sung poem. Delivered from the heart yet sung from the soul.

But then I thought maybe he was like me. Maybe when he closed his eyes, he never got rest. Instead, he only saw the memory of what destroyed him.

Just going. No destination in mind. Just bloody going.

She was getting too close. And something happened to me when I was around her. My defenses fell.

You heard it, I wanted to say to her. No one else has ever heard it, but you did. And you’ve walked away. You’ve let me push you away . . .

I watched her with Bryce and let the fire consume me.

But hearing her hurt voice, seeing her walking away, snapped something inside me. My blood rushed so fast through my veins that my head became dizzy. I didn’t think it through; I just acted on instinct. I reached out and grabbed her arm. As she turned, I pushed her back until her back hit the wall.

The minute I tasted her on my tongue, my heart started slamming in my chest. A surprised sound fell from her mouth and I swallowed it down. My chest flattened against her, and I felt the warmth of her body as it meshed with mine.

How did I make her understand? I froze at that thought. Because I wanted her to understand.

“The bridge was navy blue. Navy blue tells me it’s weak.” She was a statue in front of me. Her face was full of confusion. I fought the tightness in my chest and cleared my throat. “The rest was olive green and pinks . . . all but the bridge.” I shook my head to get the image of the navy blue from it. I tapped my temple. “It was navy blue. It didn’t fit. Navy doesn’t belong in good compositions.”

She never moved her eyes away from me, a smile on her lips as I let her see my colors. Let her see me. Then, Violet blue, I mouthed. Bonnie’s eyes widened. I glanced down at my laptop and lined up the track I wanted her to hear. The one I couldn’t get out of my head last night. The one that played so loudly in my mind I’d had to get it down. The words of which she’d had no idea I’d recorded.

Some are not meant for this life for too long. A fleeting glimpse, a silent birdsong. Souls too pure, they burn out too bright, Bodies so fragile, losing the fight. Hearts lose their beats, rhythms too slow, Angels they come, it’s time to go. Lift from this place, to the heavens and skies, Smothered in peace, where nobody dies. Hope left behind in the ones they have loved, No longer caged, now wings of a dove. Wings, white as snow, sprout from my heart. Wings, spreading wide, now to depart. Tears in my eyes, I give one last glance. I lived, and I loved, and danced life’s sweet dance . . .

Now she’d given me her lips, I never wanted to give them back.

“I am complicated. I’ve been told that enough times.”

“I’m not going anywhere. If you haven’t learned by now, I’m stubborn and pretty much do whatever the hell I like.”