All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood

by Jennifer Senior

And if that’s the case—if we are our remembering selves—then it matters far less how we feel moment to moment with our children. They play rich and crucial roles in our life stories, generating both outsize highs and outsize lows. Without such complexity, we don’t feel like we’ve amounted to much. “You don’t have a good story until something deviates from the expected,” says McAdams. “And raising children leads to some pretty unexpected happenings.” Our stories may not always be pleasant as they’re being lived. They can in fact be just the opposite, acquiring a warm hue only in retrospect. “I think this boils down to a philosophical question rather than a psychological one,” Tom Gilovich, a professor of psychology at Cornell, tells me. “Should you value moment-to-moment happiness more than retrospective evaluations of your life?” He says he has no answer for this, but the example he offers suggests a bias. He recalls watching TV with his children at 3:00 A.M. when they were sick. “I wouldn’t have said it was too fun at the time,” he says. “But now I look back on it and say, ‘Ah, remember the time we used to wake up and watch cartoons?’ ”