Lessons From Lucy: The Simple Joys of an Old, Happy Dog

by Dave Barry

911 OPERATOR: This is 911. Do you have an emergency? CALLER: Yes! It’s my husband! He collapsed to the floor and his face turned blue and he’s making a weird noise! 911 OPERATOR: What kind of noise? CALLER: It sounds like “aarp.” 911 OPERATOR: OK, I’ll send a hearse. CALLER: Don’t you mean an ambulance? 911 OPERATOR: No.

The "aarp" sound is his reference to the AARP.

“AARP” is also an abbreviation for “American Association of Retired Persons Standing in Line Ahead of You Demanding a Discount on Every Freaking Thing.”

I’ve been paying into the Social Security system since the French and Indian War, and I want to cash in. Yes, I am aware that Social Security is basically a giant Ponzi scheme, and that we baby boomers, as we retire in vast numbers and start collecting from the system, will be imposing an enormous, unfair and potentially ruinous financial burden on younger generations. I view this as payback for what the younger generations have done to music.

I am not a fan of scallops. Scallops, along with clams, oysters and mussels, belong to a biological class of organisms known, technically, as Phlegms of the Sea. My feeling is, Mother Nature puts these repulsive slimy things inside shells on the ocean floor specifically to prevent us from eating them. Whereas she puts pigs, for example, in accessible locations such as Iowa, where they can easily be converted into delicious pork products such as “rinds.”

Likewise if your children ask you if you ever did drugs, you should not answer: “You would not believe what you can see if you stare into a candle flame for three hours!” The correct answer, even if at that very moment you are rolling a joint, is: “No.” (Also correct: “Ask your mother.”)

Nothing is less impressive than a person who is obviously trying to impress.

People really dislike being lied to. In my experience, they’re likely to forgive you for doing something wrong if you admit it; they’re far less forgiving if you do something wrong and lie about it.