Am I Ugly?

by Michelle Elman

Illness is the greatest equalizer in life. It doesn’t discriminate between the old or the young, the rich or the poor, the good or the bad, the kind or the selfish. Regardless of how good your life is, how much success you’ve achieved, all of it means nothing when you’re in hospital.

I had always seen Tatiana as stunning, as you do with most of your friends; how sad and frustrating that she couldn’t see it. And even sadder, that these statements of self-loathing had become so normalized in this school. How was this the norm? And even worse, how was my gut reaction to put myself down in return the norm?

Her weight didn’t take away from her beauty. Her weight had nothing to do with how I viewed her as a person or a friend.

I didn’t want to be a person who continuously moaned about her body and her weight and made it a public obsession. It only made you feel worse and it drew even more attention to your insecurities. My internal battles were far from being won, and while I couldn’t control what I thought of my body, I could control what I said.

The previous fashion shows had always been entrenched with body envy, but this was the prime opportunity to prove that every type of body was beautiful.

To focus on my experience, or feel sad about it, would not only be selfish, but disrespectful to all the children who were still in hospital today – or worse, didn’t survive.

There was truly nothing relevant to complain about – yet I always found things. No matter what we discussed, one fact was guaranteed: from the

‘Michelle? Whoa. You look so different, I barely recognized you!’ I liked that she said ‘different’ and not ‘better’. So often women believe they look better in makeup.

Something occurred to me: it was only an issue if I made it into one.

it was pointless to get sidetracked by insecurities – someone was always going to be rude, and that wasn’t a reflection of us but of them. By going up to a boy at a bar, you had accomplished the hardest part and instantly made yourself the convenient choice. At St Keyes, we were taught that if you don’t go after what you want, then you’re never going to get it – and why was this any different? Why were we waiting for men to make their selection between us, when

‘Your scars are just a filtering process for all the douchebags in the world. You’re lucky. Most girls don’t have that and they have to find out the hard way, months down the line.’

tattoos weren’t just my talismans; they made my body mine again. I had reclaimed my body, my way.

Control is underrated, and most of us don’t give it enough thought. But until you lose it, you aren’t really aware of how much it matters.

frustrated me that weight loss was praised even in the context of illness. Was skinny still the goal if your health had to be at risk in order to achieve it?

Landing back in a hospital bed had pissed me off – I had worked so hard to keep myself safe and yet I’d still ended up there. So what was there to lose?

I wanted to stop wasting time and start using my body and appreciating it for all it was capable

Confidence is a process. You don’t just wake up one day feeling fantastic about yourself. It’s a journey that involves baby steps, ups and downs.

You decide on what you want, make it as specific as possible, assign a date to it, and then you take action towards your goal while believing with a hundred per cent certainty that it’s going to happen. Goals like ‘I want to be happy’ are not goals. These are states of mind, feelings that you can gain in a second. A goal requires planning and patience.

I’m more than my scars. I’m more than my body. To

But being realistic, I wasn’t normal. Not my story, not my scars, not me – so why was I trying to be?

Understand that even if you hate your body, your body loves you. Your body fought for you to keep you alive and breathing every single day, so please stop fighting your body. You are on the same team.

Loving yourself is an option; loving your body is an option and you have to choose that option for yourself. Your journey of self-acceptance is exactly that: yours.

Your happiness is more important than other people’s opinions.

The person who becomes the most confident is the one who is consistent in their pursuit of it. The person who achieves self-love is the one who is kind to themselves when they feel they least deserve it. The person who accomplishes self-acceptance is the one who loves themselves in the moments when hating themselves is the easiest option.