Am I Ugly?

by Michelle Elman

Illness is the greatest equalizer in life. It doesn’t discriminate between the old or the young, the rich or the poor, the good or the bad, the kind or the selfish. Regardless of how good your life is, how much success you’ve achieved, all of it means nothing when you’re in hospital.

I had never really talked about my health or surgeries to anyone. I didn’t know how hard it might be.

I became aware that it was the norm to condemn women and shame them for their anger. As a female, anger was never an appropriate emotion, and I was taught to feel guilt around that anger. Guilt was digestible, more feminine, easier to control and manage, after all.

It would be many years before I would realize that this disconnection from feelings, or from the memory of feelings, was very common – in fact, it was expected – for anyone who had been through a traumatic or life-threatening situation.

Denial is a survival mechanism, and it can cause a continuous sense of doubt about what has actually occurred. Many events can feel as if they were simply imagined.

Loving yourself is an option; loving your body is an option and you have to choose that option for yourself. Your journey of self-acceptance is exactly that: yours.