I have to to make her proud, to prove she didn’t make a mistake, only I have no idea what it is and for years it’s felt like I’m wasting time, like she gave me this bewildering privilege of life and I’m abusing that privilege by not knowing what to do with it—there’s this, this urgency, and it is always pressing down on me to do something and do it quick because I’m dying all the time, even now, I’m dying, and I do not want the most impressive events in my life to have been my coming and going.
