What to Do When I'm Gone: A Mother's Wisdom to Her Daughter

by Suzy Hopkins

I don’t think it’s possible that everyone dies peacefully. I’m guessing some people die screaming. Everyone should have access to their own gallon of morphine at the first sign of pain.

Make your room the exact opposite of the randomness of existence, the mercilessness of mortality.

What we carry of other people, even when they’re alive, is simply our perception of them, an idea. That means I’m here as long as you remember me. And since I’m here, I suggest you get busy living, seeking out happiness, moving forward.

Look in the mirror and see yourself the way I saw you At times you will forget that you are amazing, and I hate that I’m not there to remind you.

Curry can always help you through heartbreak. It involves making something new out of the old disorder of your life.

Are you with the right person? Someone who makes you laugh Someone who cleans up if you’re vomiting, then does the laundry

Someone who is about as smart as you, definitely not too much dumber

Being in love is easy. Living together is harder. It’s a learning experience, mostly about yourself.

At times you won’t like how you behave or how your partner behaves. You won’t always agree and the workload won’t always be evenly distributed. At times you’ll get angry and fight and have to work to reestablish communication. It sounds grim, but if you love your partner, it’s worth the effort.

Don’t blame the institution: It’s invisible. The problem is there’s no instruction manual. People tend to be selfish and may not realize how much give and take is required. They may give up too easily. How much love and effort you put into marriage is a fair indicator of its success or failure. If you quit a few years in, you might miss out on wonderful time together when you’re older and wiser.

Memories will come to you in waves, unbidden.

Grief isn’t the only byproduct of a death. And death isn’t just subtraction. You’re left with a treasure of memories that can be triggered by sights, sounds, smells—a record of how my life enriched yours.

I see happiness as contentment with what you’re doing right now. That may be nothing at all, or something ambitious, or something in between. It’s a sense of not wanting to be anywhere else.

Even if you did accomplish everything on the list, you set yourself up for failure. Let’s say you finish the list but you’re still not dead. Is it time to die? What do you do with all that time? Make another bucket list?

Sitting and reading a good book, drinking tea, taking a walk with you. For me, those were life’s best moments. Better even than seeing the Taj Mahal or sailing the fjords or skiing in Switzerland. Sitting around just talking about . . . stuff. That’s what I really miss.