What to Do When I'm Gone: A Mother's Wisdom to Her Daughter

by Suzy Hopkins

How could I possibly navigate this world without the person who brought me into it?

Obits are more than just a formality. They are one of the few written records of your time here. The collective memory of a person’s existence fades quickly; after a generation or two you’re wiped off the face of the earth.

Everyone should have access to their own gallon of morphine at the first sign of pain.

You need a good friend right now, one who will come right over, even if that means flying across country. Tell her exactly what you need, whether you need her to listen, cry with you, chat up a storm, or sit together in silence.

You don’t have to go through this alone, now or in the future.

Heart attack (brought on by sheer love) while clutching a photo of you

Your parent’s death is nature’s way of breaking the shocking news that it’s your turn next.

Why go on if we all just die in the end? There’s a great reason. If you knew you were going to live forever, imagine how much time you’d waste. Amazing things can happen when there’s a deadline looming.

Vibrator: What, mothers don’t have sex? All evidence points otherwise.

Expressing gratitude forces you to focus on living people who care about you rather than on the enormity of your loss.

This is the first year that I’m not there and it will feel different. Don’t try to do the things we’ve always done and watch a gaping hole appear in each one. Come up with something new to do each year, and think, offhandedly, that you wish I was there.

Now that I’m not there to spoil you, it’s time to start spoiling yourself.

Make a list of things you hate to do. Immediately stop doing at least two of them.

Now for the dumplings: If you’ve never made these, they can be a bit tricky. Prepare by pouring yourself a large glass of wine.

If you lose someone important to you, you should try to replace that person. Because if you live your life losing and not replacing, you’ll end up at zero. I’m not saying you can replace your mother, and it won’t necessarily be an even trade, but I’d like you to try.

At times you will forget that you are amazing, and I hate that I’m not there to remind you.

I don’t know if ghosts are real, but if they are, and I am one, I’ll visit you. You’ll know I’m there if the candle is flickering. Just make sure the wick is pretty long.

If the best case is better than the worst case is worse, do it

If you’re upset with someone, it’s probably related to the fact that you love this person. Go to bed early and get a good night’s sleep. The next morning, pretend that a meteor is going to hit the earth in five minutes, wiping out your neighborhood. Would you be worried about who’s right and who’s wrong, or would you just want to give a hug and never let go? Problem solved.

Being in love is easy. Living together is harder.

All I can say is, it’s worth it when you find someone who knows what you are going through and actually cares. Who knows your history and doesn’t mind at all. Who knows what you are really like first thing in the morning and loves you anyway. Yes, it’s risky, and yes, there are times when it’s a lot of work. Take that chance.

If you have a fight with a sibling, friend, parent, try to mend it. Don’t let little feuds turn into big ones. Let them know that despite what happened, you love and need them.

People need to know that you see them—that they are not invisible to you, taken for granted. Acknowledge what you did. Accept responsibility. Extend a sincere apology.

If you die angry, you’ve waited too long.

Grief isn’t the only byproduct of a death. And death isn’t just subtraction. You’re left with a treasure of memories that can be triggered by sights, sounds, smells—a record of how my life enriched yours.

You’re using oven mitts, right? That pan is hot. Don’t burn yourself. If you do burn yourself, put your hand under cold running water until the pain subsides.

I see happiness as contentment with what you’re doing right now. That may be nothing at all, or something ambitious, or something in between. It’s a sense of not wanting to be anywhere else.

Fear is useful when it causes you to avoid an oncoming train or motivates you to make positive changes. Otherwise it’s a life suck. When you’re terrified, ask yourself: Is this helping? If not, laugh in fear’s face.

When you start saying and thinking that the world has gone to hell in a handbasket, you are officially old, whether you are thirty-four or ninety-five.

Instead of just complaining, do something to try to make things better.

Sitting and reading a good book, drinking tea, taking a walk with you. For me, those were life’s best moments. Better even than seeing the Taj Mahal or sailing the fjords or skiing in Switzerland. Sitting around just talking about . . . stuff. That’s what I really miss.

Accept help and friendship when it’s offered. And if it isn’t offered, ask for it.

Keep in mind that no matter how many people you’re surrounded by, you die alone. This is really your show.