What to Do When I'm Gone: A Mother's Wisdom to Her Daughter

by Suzy Hopkins

Life’s a crapshoot. By staying calm and organized in the face of it, you will be able to find your socks when you need them.

A good friend will understand, and a really good friend will bring a box of tissue. You don’t have to go through this alone, now or in the future.

That’s OK. You had no way of knowing it was the last time we’d talk. Feel bad, feel sad, roll on.

My story could have ended in a million ways. It doesn’t matter which one. If you asked a bunch of dead people if they were happy with how they died, I’m guessing most would want to rewrite their endings, too. However it happened, dead is dead.

Your parent’s death is nature’s way of breaking the shocking news that it’s your turn next.

Why go on if we all just die in the end? There’s a great reason. If you knew you were going to live forever, imagine how much time you’d waste. Amazing things can happen when there’s a deadline looming.

Little notes to you and your brothers tucked in sealed envelopes: Those date back to my fear-of-flying days when I was certain I would die in midair and wanted you to find a nice note later on so that you would know you were loved.

Expressing gratitude forces you to focus on living people who care about you rather than on the enormity of your loss.

Your thoughts are just that: thoughts, not reality, and honestly, you can’t always trust them.

What we carry of other people, even when they’re alive, is simply our perception of them, an idea. That means I’m here as long as you remember me. And since I’m here, I suggest you get busy living, seeking out happiness, moving forward.

If you lose someone important to you, you should try to replace that person. Because if you live your life losing and not replacing, you’ll end up at zero. I’m not saying you can replace your mother, and it won’t necessarily be an even trade, but I’d like you to try.

If you’re upset with someone, it’s probably related to the fact that you love this person.

Better yet, read a great book. Let it transport you to another place and time, which—when you finally close your eyes—may help you appreciate where you are right now.

This bad patch will pass, just like the bad patches in the past and the ones that lie ahead. Passing clouds, all.

All I can say is, it’s worth it when you find someone who knows what you are going through and actually cares. Who knows your history and doesn’t mind at all. Who knows what you are really like first thing in the morning and loves you anyway. Yes, it’s risky, and yes, there are times when it’s a lot of work. Take that chance.

If you die angry, you’ve waited too long.

Grief isn’t the only byproduct of a death. And death isn’t just subtraction. You’re left with a treasure of memories that can be triggered by sights, sounds, smells—a record of how my life enriched yours.

It’s absolutely fine to leave when your partner: • Doesn’t respect you • Can’t beat an addiction or won’t try • Cheats on you (not twice; once is enough) • Raises a hand to you (end of story) • Is a serial killer (or even a non-serial killer) • Kicks a puppy

But work isn’t just a way to earn a paycheck. It’s integral to your quality of life. Seek out work you’re excited about. Find a way to pursue your interests and be well-compensated for it. It’s no fun to be poor. Earn a bunch of money and spread it around.

We’re put here to look for answers. It’s not that you’re going to find them—it’s that you’re striving to find them.

Hint: Caring for yourself should be near the top of the list.

I see happiness as contentment with what you’re doing right now. That may be nothing at all, or something ambitious, or something in between. It’s a sense of not wanting to be anywhere else.

Fear is useful when it causes you to avoid an oncoming train or motivates you to make positive changes. Otherwise it’s a life suck. When you’re terrified, ask yourself: Is this helping? If not, laugh in fear’s face.

Instead of just complaining, do something to try to make things better.

Sitting and reading a good book, drinking tea, taking a walk with you. For me, those were life’s best moments. Better even than seeing the Taj Mahal or sailing the fjords or skiing in Switzerland. Sitting around just talking about . . . stuff. That’s what I really miss.

Don’t go it alone: Accept help and friendship when it’s offered. And if it isn’t offered, ask for it. Allow extra time and be patient with yourself. Ask other people to be patient, too. They may need to be reminded.

Keep in mind that no matter how many people you’re surrounded by, you die alone. This is really your show.