Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

by Gordon Neufeld

“When you are in a jam, it’s hard to remember that you are in a relationship with a person, not just trying to get someone out the door in ten minutes. Problem is, we have our own agendas and sometimes we see the kid as an impediment.”

When reactions are intense and feelings are frayed, it is time to reclaim our deepest priorities and to affirm our commitment to them. “I’m still your mom and always will be. I know it’s hard to remember that I love you when I’m mad and sometimes I may even forget it myself for a moment or two, but I always come back to my senses. I’m glad our connection is strong. It needs to be at a time like this.” The actual words aren’t that important. It’s the tone of your voice and the softness in your eyes and the gentleness of your touch that tell the story.

Once the child is feeling friendly and affectionate we can recount the frustration that went before. “We are having such a good time together right now. I remember this morning when you weren’t too happy with me. In fact, you were so angry, you really let me have it.” We need to build some room for these mixed feelings. “Isn’t it funny the way we can get so mad at the ones we love.”