Barking Up the Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong

by Eric Barker

Traits like verbal fluency, adaptability, impulsivity, and humility are stable from childhood through adulthood.

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Ruut Veenhoven, the Dutch sociologist known as the “godfather of happiness research,” maintains the World Database of Happiness. And when he looked at all the countries of the world in terms of happiness, Moldova came up dead last.

Also, as Adam Grant acknowledged, giving too much can lead to burnout. A mere two hours a week of helping others is enough to get maximum benefits, so there’s no need for guilt or for martyring yourself—and no excuse for saying you don’t have time to help others.

And that was a big problem. After the tragedy of 9/11, the military needed more SEALs, but lowering the standards would defeat the purpose.

Why?

In your head, you say between three hundred and a thousand words every minute to yourself.

No way.

If life is all about pleasure, then when it ceases to be fun or immediately beneficial, we quit.

“confabulation.”

Just as religion and stories of personal meaning help us cope, so do movies, TV, and other stories. Stories not only engage our minds but also quietly slip a pair of rose-colored glasses on our heads.

Vonnegut’s moral is that “We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”

Karl Marx was wrong about a lot of things in economics, but we’re now realizing he was also right about some stuff.

What was he wrong about?

corollary,

Now, what if your boss hates you? Or you’re facing discrimination in the workplace? Those games really aren’t winnable. Move on. Find a game you can win.

Studying over a thousand subjects, Wiseman found that lucky people maximize opportunities. The study showed they are more open to new experiences, more extroverted, and less neurotic. They listen to their hunches. Most of all, Wiseman says, lucky people just try stuff. It makes intuitive sense: if you lock yourself in your house, how many exciting, new, cool things are going to happen to you? Not many.

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On one occasion, Erdös met a mathematician and asked him where he was from. “Vancouver,” the mathematician replied. “Oh, then you must know my good friend Elliot Mendelson,” Erdös said. The reply was “I am your good friend Elliot Mendelson.”

On September 20, 1996, Paul Erdös died at the age of eighty-three. (Or, in his own idiosyncratic vocabulary, he “left.” He said people “died” when they had stopped doing math.)

Yes, extroverts can draw on the resources of an incredible network, but that doesn’t leave a lot of time for something important: hard, lonely work in the trenches. You see, the superpower of introverts is that they are far more likely to become experts in their field.

Whether an introvert or an extrovert is the better leader depends on whom they are leading. When employees are passive, the social, energetic extroverts really shine. However, when you’re dealing with very motivated workers, introverts do better because they know how to listen, help, and get out of the way.

Even similarity of stuff you don’t like helps you bond with others. Research shows that shared complaints make us feel closer to others. Do you both dislike the same person? That might be the path to your new BFF. You know the old saying “The enemy of my enemy is my friend”? A study titled “I Feel Like I Know You: Sharing Negative Attitudes of Others Promotes Feelings of Familiarity” showed that’s true.

University of Chicago neuroscientist John Cacioppo found that when we leverage Facebook to set up face-to-face meetings, it boosts our happiness. When we use it as a substitute, however, it increases loneliness.

Clinical psychologist and workplace consultant Al Bernstein says, “You can’t not play politics; you can only play them badly . . . the only place where relationships don’t matter is on a desert island far away from the rest of the world.”

Al Bernstein, a clinical psychologist, agrees. He calls it the “Godzilla vs. Rodan” effect. When the other person starts yelling and you start yelling and you both follow the war metaphor, buildings gets knocked down, Tokyo gets leveled, but very little gets accomplished. You might think, “I’m just trying to explain . . .” But Bernstein says this is a trap. Explaining is almost always veiled dominance. You’re not trying to educate; you’re still trying to win. The subtext is, “Here’s why I am right and you are wrong.” And that is exactly what the other side will hear no matter what you say. Research from neuroscience confirms this. When people are riled up about something and you show them evidence that conflicts with what they believe, what does an MRI scan show? The areas of their brain associated with logic literally shut down.

Relationship researcher John Gottman found that 69 percent of romantic couples problems are perpetual. They don’t get fixed.

Al Bernstein likes to say “Please speak more slowly. I’d like to help.”

Remember, you want to focus on feelings. Respond to their emotions by saying “Sounds like you’re angry” or “Sounds like this really upsets you.” Hostage negotiators use this to show understanding and to cool hot emotions. And neuroscience research shows that giving a name to feelings helps reduce their intensity.

Walter developed his gratitude plan. Kinda like a lifetime achievement award, but an award given instead of received. Eulogies are so much more valuable when we do them before someone’s gone. He was going to tell all of his forty-four how much they meant. Sweet, right? But there’s a twist . . . He wasn’t going to send a text. Or an email. Or even make a phone call. Walter was serious about saying thanks. So he got on a plane—actually, a lot of planes—and visited every single one of his forty-four to express his gratitude face-to-face. He would crisscross the country and even fly as far as Kenya.

The first step was to call each of them and schedule a time, telling them what he had planned. What was the most common response? “Walter, are you okay?” Just goes to show how rare true gratitude is. Then he’d explain further. And they’d reply, “Are you sure you’re okay?” He prepared for each meeting, asking himself, “What difference did this person make in my life?” And so began Walter’s yearlong gratitude quest. He met them in their homes or hotel rooms or their offices or a restaurant to have a meal. With each one he talked about how they met. (With some of these relationships stretching back more than forty years, sometimes they couldn’t remember.) They shared memories. And Walter offered a sincere thank you, tailored to each individual, for the contribution they had made to his life. The last thing he did was ask them for their perspective on who he was. This wasn’t narcissistic. Collectively, these people had known him for over one thousand years. How better to get an honest look in the mirror and see who he had been and who he had become? They could give him an answer to the eternal questions that keep us all up at night: “Who am I?” “Am I doing the right things? Am I doing enough?” (Walter’s also a big hugger, so no meeting was without a warm embrace.) He didn’t take notes while they talked. He wanted to give every person his full attention. But he audio-recorded each conversation. After the year ended he sent each a CD of their conversation. It was gift wrapped wi...

The joy of the new never lasts. And this happens with everything.

Tim Kreider got stabbed in the throat while on vacation. The knife sunk in two millimeters from his carotid artery, which he describes as the difference between being “flown home in the cargo hold instead of in coach.” He lived. And for the next year nothing could upset him. He just felt so lucky to be alive. Being stabbed in the throat turned the volume down on everything negative. “That’s supposed to bother me? I’ve been stabbed in the throat!” Then hedonic adaptation set in. He found himself getting frustrated by little things again—traffic, computer problems. Once again, he took being alive for granted. Just like we all do. Tim then came up with a little solution. He makes sure to celebrate his “stabbiversary” every year, to remind himself how lucky he is. And that’s what you need to do. Making time to feel gratitude for what you have undoes the “hedonic adaptation.” And what’s the best way to do this? Thank the people around you. Relationships are the key to happiness, and taking the time to say “thanks” renews that feeling of being blessed.

As Nathaniel Hawthorne once wrote, “No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.”

As the old saying goes, “There are no ‘pretty good’ alligator wrestlers.” That’s an arena where overconfidence gets you killed.

Was he a bully? Hardly. Lincoln would have liked the “friend” idea of networking. He didn’t coerce or threaten to get his way. In his own words, “So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.” And how did he deal with people who were outright hostile? “I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends.”

Was he humble? Yup. He had no problem admitting fault. In a letter to Ulysses S. Grant he was more than blunt about it: “I now wish to make the personal acknowledgement that you were right, and I was wrong.”

With romantic couples, self-compassion was evaluated as a better predictor of being a good partner than self-esteem.

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Self-compassion beats self-esteem.

In a 1988 interview he said as a child he literally wished on a falling star that he would become the greatest hitter to ever live. But he didn’t sit around and wait for the dream to come true. His obsessive, perfectionist work ethic would bring him more success than any descending celestial body would.

Einstein said, “I treat my wife as an employee whom I cannot fire.” And this was not merely a barb thrown out in the heat of anger. When his marriage began to break down he presented his wife with a contract that detailed what he expected of her if the relationship was to continue: CONDITIONS: A. You will make sure 1. that my clothes and laundry are kept in good order; 2. that I will receive my three meals regularly in my room; 3. that my bedroom and study are kept neat, and especially that my desk is left for my use only. B. You will renounce all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons. Specifically, you will forego 1. my sitting at home with you; 2. my going out or traveling with you. C. You will obey the following points in your relations with me: 1. you will not expect any intimacy from me, nor will you reproach me in any way; 2. you will stop talking to me if I request it; 3. you will leave my bedroom or study immediately without protest if I request it. D. You will undertake not to belittle me in front of our children, either through words or behavior.

Every hour at work is an hour you’re not with friends and family. Is this really necessary to be successful at a global scale? Sadly, it may be. The paper “Why Productivity Fades with Age: The Crime–Genius Connection” shows that, at least with men, marriage has a noticeably negative effect on output among scientists, authors, jazz musicians, painters, and even criminals. The author of the study, Satoshi Kanazawa writes, “Scientists rather quickly desist after their marriage, while unmarried scientists continue to make great scientific contributions later in their lives.” All of this is if you have your ultimate dream job. What if you don’t (which is true for most of us)? I’m sure this comes as no surprise, but working like crazy when you’re not obsessively passionate has some serious negative effects. In Japan, this has gotten completely out of hand. It is not unheard of for people to literally die from overwork. The problem has become so prevalent the Japanese have a name for it: karōshi. Far from a rare curiosity, the term was added to the dictionary in 2002. It has become such a problem that it is legally recognized and the government began tracking it in 1987. The number of people

while obsessive work may be necessary for the heights of success, it doesn’t lead to a fulfilling, balanced life.

Thirty-nine percent of Americans work fifty or more hours a week and eighteen percent work sixty or more, according to a 2014 Gallup poll. What’s the added benefit of all those extra hours? Research from Stanford says close to nothing. Productivity declines so steeply after fifty-five hours that “someone who puts in seventy hours produces nothing more with those extra fifteen hours.” All they are creating is stress.

Elevator designers have tried all sorts of solutions to deal with our endless frustration with any delay. Algorithms allow the lifts to anticipate demand and minimize wait time. Mitsubishi created one that rises as fast as a plane—over forty feet a second. But we’re still tapping our feet and rolling our eyes. Not fast enough. They’ve realized we can wait about fifteen seconds on average. At forty seconds, we start clenching our fists. When surveyed, people who had to wait two minutes report it as ten minutes.

But when we feel such intense pressure to succeed both at work and at home, when there are always choices and it feels like it’s our fault, we become desperate for a solution. Some of us set aside a facet of our lives so that other categories can thrive. Laura Nash and Howard Stevenson, the authors of Just Enough, and HBS professor Clay Christensen call this strategy “sequencing.” The attitude being First I’ll work a job I hate and make a lot of money and then I’ll have a family and then I’ll do what I want and be happy. This doesn’t work with relationships, though. Christensen rightly points out that “by the time serious problems arise in those relationships, it often is too late to repair them. This means, almost paradoxically, that the time when it is most important to invest in building strong families and close friendships is when it appears, at the surface, as if it’s not necessary.” The authors of Just Enough confirmed this was true in their research with top executives. Yes, the group was quite accomplished career-wise, but behind the veil things sounded a lot more like Ted Williams and Albert Einstein: “When we probed further, we found that many were not necessarily doing very well with their other targets: family, long-term business health, building a place to work that people actually value, developing a personal character that holds up when they got out of the public spotlight.” We can’t sequence relationships. They need regular, consistent attention. As Ralph ...

HAPPINESS: having feelings of pleasure or contentment in and about your life 2. ACHIEVEMENT: achieving accomplishments that compare favorably against similar goals others have strived for 3. SIGNIFICANCE: having a positive impact on people you care about 4. LEGACY: establishing your values or accomplishments in ways that help others find future success

People handle having lots of choices in two ways: by “maximizing” or “satisficing.” Maximizing is exploring all the options, weighing them, and trying to get the best. Satisficing is thinking about what you need and picking the first thing that fulfills those needs. Satisficing is living by “good enough.”

Khan knew there were things he didn’t know, or things he didn’t have time to learn, so he was always recruiting. Among conquered peoples, anyone who was useful was allowed to join them. One enemy archer had managed to shoot the Khan’s own horse out from under him. When the man was caught, Khan did not execute him; he made him a general.

Being reactive doesn’t just hurt your chances of getting what you want; it also reduces your chances of real happiness. Research shows we often don’t choose to do what really makes us happy; we choose what’s easy. Mihály Csikszentmihályi found that watching TV made teenagers truly happy 13 percent of the time. Hobbies scored 34 percent and sports or games got 44 percent. But what did teens choose to do most often? They spent four times as many hours watching television. Without a plan, we do what’s passive and easy—not what is really fulfilling.