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by
Eric Barker
In fact, extroverts are even happier than introverts when alone,
Friends are just family we choose.
And having few friends is more dangerous than obesity and is the equivalent health risk of smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.
When you relate to someone you look up to, you get motivated. And when that person makes you feel you can do that too, bang—that produces real results.
Yes!!
You see, mentors are like potato chips: you can’t have just one.
When we make it win-or-lose, everyone loses.
“Godzilla vs. Rodan” effect.
The subtext is, “Here’s why I am right and you are wrong.”
When people are riled up about something and you show them evidence that conflicts with what they believe, what does an MRI scan show? The areas of their brain associated with logic literally shut down.
The regions associated with aggression light up. As far as their brain is concerned, it’s not a rational discussion—it’s war. The brain can’t process what you’re saying; it’s just trying to win. Your head works the same way unless you make an effort to control it.
Empathy
Acceptance, caring, and patience
negotiations: happy people are better negotiators.
Al Bernstein recommends pretending you are talking to a child.
Rushing things leads to pressure, and that only intensifies emotional decision-making,
as opposed to rational decision-making.
Al Bernstein likes to say “Please speak more slowly. ...
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Chris Voss
the number-one thing for improving a romantic relationship was? Learn to be a good listener. And the number-one reason people leave their jobs? They didn’t feel their boss listened to them.
neuroscience research shows that giving a name to feelings helps reduce their intensity.
When fighting looks like the only solution, it’s usually better to just walk away.
The best results come from being a friend, listening, and asking questions.
What’s the most important thing that makes people want to stay friends with you over the long haul? A little thing called gratitude.
“The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”
There are many scientifically tested ways to make ourselves feel good, but what makes gratitude so special is it can’t help but make two people happy.
“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”
Research by Nicholas Christakis at Yale shows a network amplifies anything in it, good or bad.
Making time to feel gratitude for what you have undoes the “hedonic adaptation.”
Relationships are the key to happiness, and taking the time to say “thanks” renews that feeling of being blessed.
“Self-deception has been associated with stress reduction, a positive self-bias, and increased pain tolerance, all of which could enhance motivation and performance during competitive tasks.”
Many studies show faking it also has positive effects on you. In Richard Wiseman’s book The As If Principle, he details a significant amount of research showing that smiling when you’re sad can make you feel happy, and moving like you’re powerful actually makes you more resistant to pain. Other studies show that a feeling of control reduces stress—even if you’re not in control. The perception is all that matters.
Confidence can improve performance and success. It can make others believe in you. But confidence can also be extremely dangerous. It can lead to delusion and hubris. And when your overconfidence meets reality, just like Yanagi’s did, you too can get your ass kicked.
both the most competent and the least competent. Academics
The Dunning-Kruger effect is this odd phenomenon of people with the least experience being the most confident because they don’t have the experience to judge just how challenging something is.
Across a staggering number of studies, feelings of power have very negative effects on a person’s character. Power reduces empathy, makes us hypocritical, and causes us to dehumanize others.
When we’re less sure, we’re more open to new ideas and we’re actively and passively scanning the world for new ones. When we have that confident feeling of power, we don’t pay as much attention, because we feel we don’t need to.
Listening to other people’s ideas increases brainpower. One study showed that social interactions can actually make us smarter. But there’s a catch: to get the cognitive boost, you need to take the other person’s perspective. And you can’t do that if you’re not paying attention.
He argues that humility actually drives self-improvement because we can see the gap between where we are and where we want to be.
Low self-confidence may turn you into a pessimist, but when pessimism teams-up with ambition it often produces outstanding performance. To be the very best at anything, you will need to be your harshest critic, and that is almost impossible when your starting point is high self-confidence.
You’ve heard both sides: Overconfidence makes you feel good, gives you grit, and impresses others—but can also make you an arrogant jerk who alienates people, doesn’t improve, and possibly loses everything because of denial. Being less confident gives you the drive and tools to become an expert and makes other people like you . . . but it doesn’t feel so good and can send a lousy signal to others about your competence. Kinda sucks, doesn’t it? Seems like there’s no easy answer. You can impress people and make them angry or have them like you but not respect you. It feels like a contradiction.
But what’s the alternative to self-confidence? University of Texas professor Kristin Neff says it’s “self-compassion.” Compassion for yourself when you fail means you don’t need to be a delusional jerk to succeed and you don’t have to feel incompetent to improve.
Research shows increasing self-compassion has all the benefits of self-esteem—but without the downsides. You can feel good and perform well while not turning into a jerk or being unable to improve. Unlike self-confidence, self-compassion doesn’t lead to delusion. In fact, one study, “Self-Compassion and Reactions to Unpleasant Self-Relevant Events: The Implications of Treating Oneself Kindly,” showed that people high in the trait had increased clarity. They saw themselves and the world more accurately but didn’t judge themselves as harshly when they failed. Meanwhile, people focused on
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What happens when you feel good about yourself and your abilities without inflating your ego? People like you. Neuroscience research shows that developing self-compassion leads to feeling compassion for others, instead of the loss of empathy that comes with overconfidence. Under an fMRI, people who were forgiving of themselves had the same areas light up that are activated when we care for other people. With romantic couples, self-compassion was evaluated as a better predictor of being a good partner than self-esteem.
“Research suggests that self-compassion is strongly related to psychological wellbeing, including increased happiness, optimism, personal initiative, and connectedness, as well as decreased anxiety, depression, neurotic perfectionism, and rumination.”
relentlessly proving yourself is exhausting and unsettling.
psychologist Albert Ellis once said, “Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because it’s conditional.”
Being self-compassionate lets you see issues and do something about them. Research suggests that having this forgiving approach allows you to take more responsibility for problems while being less saddened by them.
So how do you develop self-compassion? It starts with something you saw with Navy SEAL James Waters: talking to yourself.
You also want to accept your humanity. You are fallible. You don’t have to be perfect all the time like Batman. You can’t be. Nobody can. Trying to be is irrational, and that’s what leads to all the frustrating emotions.
recognize your failures and frustrations without either denying them or seeing them as the end of the world. No rationalizing or melodrama. Then do something about them.
