Barking Up the Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong

by Eric Barker

Studies show that even obvious, insincere flattery has incredible effects—but we’re not selling insurance, so keep it real.

In his excellent book The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg referenced a 1994 Harvard study of people who had dramatically changed their lives. Often their secret wasn’t momentous upheaval. It was just joining a group that consisted of the type of people they wanted to become.

“The groups you associate with often determine the type of person you become. For people who want improved health, association

with other healthy people is usually the strongest and most direct path of change.” Research also shows

“You can’t not play politics; you can only play them badly . . . the only place where relationships don’t matter is on a desert island far away from the rest of the world.”

You and I do the same thing in our personal relationships. Things go sideways and often our first response is to fight. Not physical violence, but yelling and arguing vs. discussing and negotiating.

Even if you have rock-solid evidence and

impeccable logic, and you back the other person into a corner, what happens? They might concede—but they definitely hate you. When we make it win-or-lose, everyone loses.

trap. Explaining is almost always veiled dominance. You’re not trying to educate; you’re still trying to win.

Acceptance, caring, and patience are great to focus on because in many situations

with the people we love, sadly, nothing concrete is going to get resolved.

You need to resist the urge to open your mouth when they say something you disagree with.

What did relationship expert John Gottman say the number-one thing for improving a romantic relationship was? Learn to be a good listener.

Don’t solve their problem and tell them what to do. That puts you back in a war metaphor. Help them solve their own problem by asking questions, feeding their responses back to them, and subtly helping them consider whether what they’re saying makes sense.

When fighting looks like the only solution, it’s usually better to just walk away. The war model doesn’t work best for people in the “war” business, like law enforcement, and it won’t work for you. The best results come from being a friend, listening, and asking questions.

“The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”

“Counting your blessings” is not just good advice your grandmother gave you; it’s also one of the most scientifically proven ways to increase your happiness. Just writing down good things that happened to you before going to bed has repeatedly been shown to increase happiness.

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving

it.”

Over and over we’ve seen that the people around you affect you. They can make you happier, healthier, and more successful—or the opposite.

Most of this influence is passive and gradual. You won’t notice

it.

Research by Nicholas Christakis at Yale shows a network amplifies anything in it, good or bad. So surround yoursel...

He read the computer’s random move as genius, as brazen confidence, evidence it was smarter than he was. And Kasparov’s resulting loss of confidence became his undoing.

Sometimes the mere appearance of confidence can be the difference between winning and losing.

On the flip side, a study titled “Self-Esteem and Earnings” showed that your level of confidence is at least as important as how smart you are when it comes to how much money you end up making. Ever wonder if good-looking people are more

Overconfidence has been shown to even raise output among teams, while underconfidence harms it.

People who believe they can succeed see opportunities, where others see threats.

They are not afraid of uncertainty or ambiguity, they embrace it. They take more risks and achieve greater returns.

Given the choice, they bet on...

“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”

Low self-confidence may turn you into a pessimist, but when pessimism teams-up with ambition it often produces outstanding performance.

With romantic couples, self-compassion was evaluated as a better predictor of being a good partner than self-esteem.

“Research suggests that self-compassion is strongly related to psychological wellbeing, including increased happiness, optimism, personal initiative, and connectedness, as well as decreased

rumination.”

“Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because it’s conditional.” People with self-compassion don’t feel the need to constantly prove themselves, and research shows they are less likely to feel like a “loser.”

them. Research suggests that having this forgiving approach allows you to take more responsibility for problems while being less saddened by them. Studies show that because people with self-compassion don’t beat themselves up, they have less fear of failure, which translates into less procrastination as well as more grit.

“Who is the only person in your life who is available 24/7 to provide you with care and kindness? You.”

You need to avoid self-worth that is contingent on fantasy-based illusions or constantly proving yourself. So be self-compassionate. It’s got all the upsides of confidence without the downsides.

When you have a competitive mind-set you always risk underperforming and feeling like a loser. When challenged, focus on improving your skills—not doing well or looking good. Studies show “get-better goals” increase motivation, make tasks more interesting, and replenish energy.

surrounding yourself with those who believe in you can lead to “transferred expectations” and a self-fulfilling prophecy, which increases confidence. You can become more confident over time with hard

work.

“The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool.”

Harshly judging yourself as good or bad, as immediately successful or unsuccessful, is very black and white and narrow-minded. To achieve wisdom, you need a little more flexibility, acceptance, and the learning that comes with growth.

all. However, having a job you dislike can be even worse than unemployment.

Yes, a boring job can kill you.

creators like Picasso and Freud:

Researchers Cary Cherniss and David Kranz found that burnout was “virtually absent in monasteries, Montessori schools, and religious care centers where people consider their work as a calling rather than merely a job.”

it’s not merely the stress that gets to you; you actually experience a perspective shift. You feel you can’t make progress, you disengage, and you eventually become cynical and pessimistic.

resilience often comes from optimism. Burnout is the result of a pessimistic attitude toward your job.