Barking Up the Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong

by Eric Barker

The same traits that make people a nightmare to

deal with can also make them the people who change the world.

The long-term vs. short-term issue is critical. Used-car salespeople thinks they’ll see a customer only one time and that’s why they have the reputation they do. Meanwhile, your mom is (hopefully) going to be with you till the end. That’s why moms have the reputation they do. The longer the time we anticipate we’ll be dealing with someone, the better the behavior we can expect.

Cooperation

When you take a job take a long look at the people you’re going to be working with—because the odds are you’re going to become like them; they are not going to become like you. You can’t change them. If it doesn’t fit who you are, it’s not going to work.

Work colleagues

Optimists tell themselves that bad events are temporary (That happens occasionally, but it’s not a big deal ); have a specific cause and aren’t universal (When the weather is better that won’t be a problem); and are not their fault (I’m good at this, but today wasn’t my lucky day).

Optimism

For nearly every area of your life, like career or relationships, you have a story you tell yourself about it. But rarely are these consciously or deliberately constructed.

Story

Meaning keeps us going when stark reality says “quit.” Very often our stories are stronger than we are, and if they’re meaningful ones, they can carry us through the tough times.

Meaning

In an office environment, there are definite goals—but are they your goals? When the company gets what it wants, do you always get what you want? Um, not so much. You can’t get what you want until you take the time to decide what you want.

Goals

As the old saying goes, “You can do anything once you stop trying to do everything.”

Focus

When employees are passive, the social, energetic extroverts really shine. However, when you’re dealing with very motivated workers, introverts do better because they know how to listen, help, and get out of the way.

Introverts

Things go sideways and often our first response is to fight. Not physical violence, but yelling and arguing vs. discussing and negotiating. Why is this? Philosopher Daniel Dennett says it’s because a “war metaphor” is wired into our brains when it comes to disagreement. When there’s a war, someone is conquered. It’s not a discussion of facts and logic; it’s a fight to the death. No matter who is really right, if you win, I lose.

Fighting

Explaining is almost always veiled dominance. You’re not trying to educate; you’re still trying to win. The subtext is, “Here’s why I am right and you are wrong.” And that is exactly what the other side will hear no matter what you say.

Explaining

The other person’s anger will subside with time if you don’t aggravate them by yelling back. Rushing things leads to pressure, and that only intensifies emotional decision-making, as opposed to rational decision-making. Al Bernstein likes to say “Please speak more slowly. I’d like to help.”

Emotions when negotiating

Confidence can improve performance and success. It can make others believe in you. But confidence can also be extremely dangerous. It can lead to delusion and hubris. And when your overconfidence meets reality, just like Yanagi’s did, you too can get your ass kicked.

Ass kicked

When you lack confidence you can see problems but may feel not up to the challenge of overcoming them. Being self-compassionate lets you see issues and do something about them.

Compassion

BELIEVING IN YOURSELF IS NICE. FORGIVING YOURSELF IS BETTER.

Belief

When you have a competitive mind-set you always risk underperforming and feeling like a loser. When challenged, focus on improving your skills—not doing well or looking good.

Improve

Productivity declines so steeply after fifty-five hours that “someone who puts in seventy hours produces nothing more with those extra fifteen hours.” All they are creating is stress.

Productivity

creativity comes from being relaxed, not stressed and overworked.

Work

To really be creative, you need to step out of that hyperfocused state of tension and let your mind wander. Researchers speculate that daydreaming is actually akin to problem solving. It uses the same areas of the brain engaged when you’re working on a puzzle. People whose minds wander more have been shown to be better problem solvers.

Solve

two and a half to four hours after waking is when your brain is sharpest. Do you want to waste that on a conference call or a staff meeting?

Wake

Success is not the result of any single quality; it’s about alignment between who you are and where you choose to be. The right skill in the right role. A good person surrounded by other good people.

Success