Barking Up the Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong

by Eric Barker

Everything we do in life is a trade-off. Choosing to do one thing means not doing something else.

Once you’ve found something you’re passionate about, quitting secondary things can be an advantage, because it frees up time to do that number-one thing.

If you quit the stuff you know isn’t working for you, you free up time for things that might. We’re bombarded by stories of persistence leading to success, but we don’t hear as much about the benefits of quitting.

Jim Collins, author of Good to Great, did an exhaustive study of companies that turned themselves around and went from disappointments to huge successes. What he found was that most of the big changes they made weren’t about new initiatives but about the bad things they needed to stop doing.

Research shows that when we choose to quit pursuing unattainable goals, we’re happier, less stressed, and get sick less often. Which people are the most stressed out? Those who wouldn’t quit what wasn’t working.

We always think we need more: more help, more motivation, more energy. But in our current world the answer is often the exact opposite: we need less. Fewer distractions, fewer goals, fewer responsibilities. Is that so we can watch more TV? No. We need less of those things so we can go all in on our priorities. The question is what are you going to do less of? What are you going to quit or say no to in order to make time for what matters most?

Studying over a thousand subjects, Wiseman found that lucky people maximize opportunities. The study showed they are more open to new experiences, more extroverted, and less neurotic. They listen to their hunches. Most of all, Wiseman says, lucky people just try stuff.

The answer is simple: If you don’t know what to be gritty at yet, you need to try lots of things—knowing you’ll quit most of them—to find the answer. Once you discover your focus, devote 5 to 10 percent of your time to little experiments to make sure you keep learning and growing.

It turns out that trying stuff outside your field of expertise is correlated with big achievements. The average scientist is about as likely to have a hobby as any member of the public. However, eminent scientists (members of the Royal Society or National Academy of Sciences) are nearly twice as likely to have one.

Facing different challenges in different contexts allowed them to look at things differently, to challenge assumptions, and to realize breakthroughs. Getting lots of different ideas crashing together turns out to be one of the keys to creativity.

go out on dates with 10 people and politely tell them “No, thanks,” but make sure to note who was the best of the bunch. Keep dating until you find somebody who rocks your world more than that person did. Mathematically speaking, this person is your match.

But if soulmates exist, what is the likelihood you’ll actually meet yours? Randall Munroe, creator of the webcomic XKCD and a former NASA roboticist, ran the numbers. They’re not pretty. Your chance to run into that one perfect person would happen in “one lifetime out of ten thousand.”

You wouldn’t say “I got my dream job. Whew, now I can stop working,” but people frequently do something akin to this with relationships because it’s “meant to be.” Until it turns out it wasn’t.

The research bears this out; while fairy tales predict problems, seeing love as a “journey” is quite healthy:

You need to remember Seligman’s three Ps; don’t see bad things as permanent, pervasive, or personal.

Why does liquor make you richer? Unlike smoking, drinking is primarily a social activity. The authors of the study speculate that increased drinking leads to increased “social capital”: you’re probably out bonding with others and making connections.

Research shows that you don’t actually need to know more to be seen as a leader. Merely by speaking first and speaking often—very extroverted behavior—people come to be seen as El Jefe. Meanwhile, other studies show that those who initially act shy in groups are perceived as less intelligent. As Pfeffer pointed out, to get ahead you need to self-promote. This comes naturally to extroverts and is actually more important than competence when it comes to being seen as a leader.

In this age of constant distractions, we can all learn something from Newton. Yes, extroverts can draw on the resources of an incredible network, but that doesn’t leave a lot of time for something important: hard, lonely work in the trenches. You see, the superpower of introverts is that they are far more likely to become experts in their field.

Author (and Olympic gold medalist) David Hemery reports that almost nine out of ten top athletes identify as introverts. “A remarkably distinguishing feature is that a large proportion, 89 percent of these sports achievers, classed themselves as introverts . . . Only 6 percent of the sports achievers felt that they were extroverts and the remaining 5 percent felt that they were ‘middle of the road.’”

Want to know who will do best in school or who will actually have more knowledge? Don’t bet on IQ. Being an introvert is more predictive of good grades than intelligence.

Whether an introvert or an extrovert is the better leader depends on whom they are leading. When employees are passive, the social, energetic extroverts really shine. However, when you’re dealing with very motivated workers, introverts do better because they know how to listen, help, and get out of the way.

Before you start praying that your sons and daughters are all outgoing, consider that extroversion is tied to crime, infidelity, car accidents, overconfidence, and financial risk taking. This may come as a shock. We’re always told it’s good to be a “people person.”

The people who feel least sleazy about networking are powerful people. But those who need to network the most—the least powerful—are the most likely to feel bad about it. We like networking better when it’s serendipitous, when it feels like an accident, not deliberate and Machiavellian. This presents a big problem for introverts, who aren’t as inclined toward making random acquaintances. It even creates difficulties for extroverts, who may make connections easily but not ones that can necessarily advance their careers.

It is better to give than to receive. Look for opportunities to do something for the other person, such as sharing knowledge or offering an introduction to someone that person might not know but would be interested in knowing. Do not be transactional about networking. Do not offer something because you want something in return. Instead, show a genuine interest in something you and the other person have in common.

We have this huge distinction between work and personal. Guess what? Your brain doesn’t. Early humans spent the vast majority of their existence in small tribes where everyone knew everyone, they all worked together, and most people were blood relatives. The work/personal distinction is new, alien, and arbitrary to our mammalian brains. This is why “networking” sounds sleazy but “family” sounds good.

There’s no need to be afraid of networking. The truth is, we often underestimate by as much as 50 percent how much others are willing to help us when asked. As we talked about in chapter 2, being mistrustful or assuming others are selfish can be self-fulfilling prophecies. Remember, the rule of thumb is simple when making friends: be socially optimistic. Assume other people will like you and they probably will.

Research shows you like names better when they are similar to yours. You prefer brands that merely share your initials. Birthdays are easier to remember when they are closer to yours. You even prefer people who move the way you do.

Research shows that shared complaints make us feel closer to others. Do you both dislike the same person? That might be the path to your new BFF.

Neuroscientist Diana Tamir found that your brain gets more pleasure from you talking about yourself than it does from food or money. This is why you should stop doing it and let others do it as much as possible around you.

Research shows we like compliments more than sex or money. What is key here, according to influence expert Robert Cialdini, is the sincere part. You don’t want to feel slimy and they don’t want you to be slimy.

Academic studies show that the biggest source of conflict between friends is making the time to see each other.

In his excellent book The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg referenced a 1994 Harvard study of people who had dramatically changed their lives. Often their secret wasn’t momentous upheaval. It was just joining a group that consisted of the type of people they wanted to become.

I asked him what was the number-one mistake people made when trying to get ahead at the office. His answer? Opting out of the social dynamics of the company.

Why are mentors so important? You don’t have time to make all the mistakes yourself, and of course making those mistakes can mean failure. It’s better to let others make those mistakes and you can learn from them. Great mentors and great teachers help you learn faster.

Neuroscience research shows that when an expert speaks, parts of your brain actually shut down:

Never ask a mentor a question Google can easily answer for you. Carve this in stone. Scrawl it in blood above your desk. Get a tattoo of it. You can learn the basics of any subject on Khan Academy. And you should have already done all that work.

Today approximately 70 percent of police negotiators are trained using the FBI program. While assaults lead to a 78 percent casualty rate, data from the FBI shows that negotiation during hostage situations results in a 95 percent success rate. You know what the motto of the NYPD Hostage Negotiation Team is to this day? “Talk to me.”

Many people, when they hear about hostage negotiation, shake their heads and say, “Why don’t they just shoot the guy?” But those people don’t know the stats. When police launch an assault during a hostage situation, it’s the police who suffer the bulk of the casualties. Fighting may end things quickly, but the research shows it doesn’t end things well.

When people are riled up about something and you show them evidence that conflicts with what they believe, what does an MRI scan show? The areas of their brain associated with logic literally shut down. The regions associated with aggression light up. As far as their brain is concerned, it’s not a rational discussion—it’s war. The brain can’t process what you’re saying; it’s just trying to win.

Hostage negotiators are dealing with the most intense situations imaginable but the attitude they take from beginning to end during a crisis is one of acceptance, caring, and patience.

Remember what Harvard professor Deepak Malhotra tells his students is the most important part of a salary negotiation: they have to like you.

How do you control your anger? Al Bernstein recommends pretending you are talking to a child. You wouldn’t try to rationalize with a screaming child, and you wouldn’t get angry with them for yelling. You’d just dismiss the hysterics and deal with the underlying problem.

Slow it down. The other person’s anger will subside with time if you don’t aggravate them by yelling back. Rushing things leads to pressure, and that only intensifies emotional decision-making, as opposed to rational decision-making. Al Bernstein likes to say “Please speak more slowly. I’d like to help.”

Don’t judge anything they say. Just listen and acknowledge. Every now and then paraphrase back to them what you’re hearing. Your goal is for them to reply “Exactly.” If you can repeat back to them the gist of what they’re saying, they can’t shout “You just don’t get it! You don’t understand!” See it as a game. Play detective.

What did relationship expert John Gottman say the number-one thing for improving a romantic relationship was? Learn to be a good listener. And the number-one reason people leave their jobs? They didn’t feel their boss listened to them.

Al Bernstein likes to ask “What would you like me to do?” This forces them to consider options and think instead of just vent.

“Counting your blessings” is not just good advice your grandmother gave you; it’s also one of the most scientifically proven ways to increase your happiness. Just writing down good things that happened to you before going to bed has repeatedly been shown to increase happiness.

Eulogies are so much more valuable when we do them before someone’s gone.

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”

Ever wonder if good-looking people are more successful? They are. Beautiful women bring in 4 percent more money and handsome men claim an extra 3 percent.