Listening Well: The Art of Empathic Understanding

by William R. Miller

The point here is that accurate empathy involves finding out whether your understanding is accurate rather than merely assuming that it is.

A good reflection continues the story. Instead of merely rehashing what was said, you want to move the story forward. That in part is why it flows like a good conversation; you are helping the speaker continue the story instead of just echoing or placing roadblocks.

Reflective listening as described in this book is a particular practice, a learnable skill for improving your understanding of another person’s meaning. It is something that you do.

Empathic understanding is an accepting and compassionate way of being with people that invites openness.11 Reflective listening is a particular practice that fosters empathic understanding.

a general guideline, if you want the person to continue expressing, lean toward understating.

An antidote to this negativity bias is to develop a habit of noticing and appreciating what is good, consciously and conscientiously to catch people doing something well.

Affirming is like making small deposits into the bank of your relationships.

Resist the temptation to ask so many questions. Usually a question can be turned into a reflection.

The challenge here, particularly on what can feel like a hot topic, is to suspend your own stuff for the time being and focus on listening in order to understand the person’s dilemma. It’s also good practice in sticking with empathic listening.