Running with Lions

by Julian Winters

Still, he pushes himself a little more. All of them are lumps of hard clay, waiting to be softened, then molded.

“A good heart doesn’t need a reason; take care of people the way you’d want them to take care of you,”

After months of skipping his workout routine, he’s not rocking a Hollister model’s body. His confidence is shot. The bags of cheese puffs while streaming Netflix didn’t help either.

A tray of food is pushed toward him. “The usual?” Willie offers. His mellowness in the morning reminds Sebastian that life is good. On the tray is everything Sebastian loves: wheat toast slathered in Nutella, fresh fruit, chopped bananas in Greek yogurt. These are three reasons Willie is lightyears ahead of Mason in the friendship department. “Wicked. Thanks, Willster.” Waving as if it’s nothing, Willie turns pink and ducks his head. But Sebastian is curious. When has Willie ever been bashful?

Willie has the heart of a damn puppy. Some people are assholes. They don’t deserve Willie.

“I’m bi. I’m into dudes and girls.” “I know what bi means.” Sebastian, flustered, quickly says, “Cool. Yep, I’m bi.” Emir’s unfazed nod relieves him. Despite the team’s rules, Sebastian isn’t rocking rainbow flags and announcing his sexuality at school. It’s always tricky coming out to a new guy. Emir’s no exception. “That okay?” “Yeah,” Emir replies with sheepish eyes. “Gay. Me. That’s what… I’m gay.”

Val’s voice sounds certain as she explains her plans; her next four years are mapped out. He’s blown away, mainly because Sebastian has no idea what he’s going to do with his next four months besides play soccer. He’s jealous of people who are certain of their future before it happens. How can anyone know what they’ll do with their whole lives, when he can’t figure out where or even if he’s going to college? But here’s Val, not having a single panic attack about life after high school.

Sebastian wants to tell her life is impossible to figure out. How does he silence all the huge, monstrous fears biting at his mind?

Sebastian’s smart enough to know that if anyone saw them right now, with Sebastian straddling Emir’s hips, Emir’s wrists pinned to the bed by one of Sebastian’s hands, and Emir’s legs kicking wildly as he tries to squirm away, it would appear pretty suspicious.

Emir stomps around like one of Mason’s little sisters when she’s pissed he won’t play Barbies.

He’s addicted to Emir’s thumbs tracing his hipbones.

Sebastian controls his face. But jealousy bubbles at the back of his mind. What the hell, of course Emir was attracted to other guys.

Acceptance has an amazing effect on people who pretend they don’t need it.

He’s still figuring out his own definition of love. Shouldn’t you wake up wanting nothing more than your partner’s smile or affectionate eyes or fond voice? For such a sought-after emotion, love sure comes with a lot of answerless questions.

You are not defined by who you love. It’s a slogan for a poster or a T-shirt, but, holy shit, it says so much. Sebastian can see, in vibrant Technicolor, the one thing that’s missing for him: respect. Not acceptance. Because that would mean Sebastian wants people to approve of him. Of his affection for Emir. He’s not searching for that brand of recognition. He wants people to respect him regardless of who he falls for.

Why do people let things so precious to them turn into dark, unbearable secrets?

“If you’re watching Scooby Doo and think of someone because it’s their favorite cartoon. If you’re allergic to flour but still eat someone’s burnt pancakes. Or if you hate the color green but you wear it because it reminds you of a person’s eyes just before you kiss them—well, it might be love.”

“Let life happen. All the plans we make are not guaranteed.”

The future is only grim because people see it that way. It’s unpredictable. Life is a summer storm of insecure thoughts. There’s an umbrella of precautions to prevent insecurity, but it doesn’t always keep the rain out of your face.