Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

Finding a way to handle the “no” is critical to the success of your relationship. Find ways to be affectionate and be together, even if sex has been taken off the table. Those couples who have mastered acceptance of the no, actually end up having sex more than couples where one partner gets upset when the other one isn’t in the mood. A great way to respond to no is realizing that “no” does not have to end connection. Then one can say, “Thanks for telling me you’re not in the mood. What are you in the mood for? Do you feel like taking a walk? Watching TV? Cuddling? Just talking? Or would you like time alone?” It’s important not to punish one’s partner for saying no. Don’t sulk or whine. It’s especially hard for men to hear “no,” because research shows that being wanted sexually is essential to a man’s sense of his masculinity. There’s even been a study showing that men would prefer to get fired from their job rather than have their partner not want them sexually. If there is a lack of physical affection, flirting, and intimate connection apart from sex, your sex life will suffer. If there’s emotional distance or intense conflict, like we discussed in the previous chapter, your sex life will suffer. If there’s a lack of physical or emotional safety, or if one of you doesn’t feel appreciated, it can affect both the quality and quantity of your sex life. Checking in on your partner’s interior world will help your sex life flourish.