Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

“The opposite of play is not work—it’s depression.”

When our lives are infused with play, we’re able to see the absurd in the serious and find excitement in the mundane.

Your happiness individually and as a couple doesn’t consist of not having bad experiences, it’s about constantly generating good experiences. Remember the all-important ratio of positive to negative experiences during nonconflict interaction: 20 positive experiences for every negative one.

But in relationships, conflict is the way that we grow, and we need to welcome conflict as a way of learning how to love each other better and how to understand this person with a very different mind than our own.

Here’s the key takeaway for a love that lasts a lifetime. The goal isn’t to try to make the other person be like you. The goal is to learn from them and to benefit from the ways you’re different.

According to Pew Research, shared religious belief is less important than shared interests, good sex, and division of household labor.

When you create meaning out of the struggles you face together, you stay together.

Dreaming together is one of the most profound acts you can do in a relationship with each other.

Everyone has a life dream or a life purpose, and you have to be intentional about not sacrificing those dreams and that purpose to your daily task list, your work, your family, or even your relationship.

“we had to talk about both of our dreams, because they were leading us very far apart geographically and I was afraid they would lead us to being apart emotionally as well.”

“What we’ve learned,” she says, “is that you can be in a relationship and each person can make all his or her dreams come true. But you can’t do it all at the same time. We’ve learned to take turns and we’ve learned to support each other no matter what.”

Rachel was willing to work extra hours at a “Doc in the Box” urgent care clinic

so Doug could pursue his dream until his agency was up and running.

Everyone makes sacrifices, but you can’t surrender your dreams. You can’t suppress them. That can lead to bitterness, resentment, and loss of passion and desire, and create enormous distance in a relationship.

As partners we must help each other find a way to channel and pursue our dreams, whether vocationally or recreationally. This keeps passion and juice and aliveness in each partner and in the relationship.

Each of your “deep” dreams is important and beautiful, and needs to be shared with your partner. If your dream is travel and adventure, and your partner’s dream is a spiritual journey, your dreams might be aligned (a trip together to Jerusalem or India or some other sacred place), or they may be in conflict. The most important and critical takeaway about dreams is not to hide them. If your dream is to become more powerful, share that with your partner. If your dream is to build something important, talk about it with your partner.

When we hide our dreams, both big and small, we hide the most important parts of ourselves. We block intimacy and connection.

If your partner dreams of climbing Everest, don’t talk about how much time and money it’ll cost. Be curious about why they have that dream. Ask them what that dream means to them. Ask them how they will feel when they fulfill that dream.

To have more freedom To experience peace To experience unity with nature To explore who I am To go on great adventures To undertake a spiritual journey To fight for justice To create honor To heal my past To be a healer of others To create a family To fulfill my potential To be powerful and influential To age gracefully To explore my creative side To help others

To develop mastery To explore an old part of myself I have lost To conquer a fear To have a sense of order To be more productive To be able to truly relax To reflect on my life To finish something important To explore the physical side of myself or become an athlete To compete and win To travel the world To make amends or ask God or another person for forgiveness To build something important To end a chapter in my life—say goodbye to something

“Yes, we were already planning to marry, but the conversations we had brought us closer than I ever could have imagined possible,” said Leah. “The fact that he was willing to take the time—that he wanted to take the time—to share all these stories about trust and money and dreams and family meant the world to me. I feel like we created in months what some people take years to create. A foundation. A sense of really being on each other’s side and supporting each other through everything that’s to come that we have no idea about. It’s exciting. I’m more in love with him than I’ve ever been. All of these dates have been an adventure, and it’s like we’re on this big journey now to understand each other, to get to know each other as deeply as possible. The love we have for each other is different now. More real. More solid, if that makes sense. I hope we have dates like this forever.”