Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

If you enter into a long-term relationship or marriage thinking that you and your partner will always leave work at 5 p.m. every day, ready to go out, or cook dinner, or hit the gym, or take a class together, or have a deep discussion—you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Sometimes work demands will feel like there’s been a hostile takeover of your free time and your relationship, and you need to make sure your relationship is solid enough to handle these times. While Rachel was in her medical residency, she and Doug had very little time together. The hours were long and brutal, she was sleep-deprived, and it seemed as if they never saw each other except for their weekly date night. Doug supported Rachel’s work dream of becoming a physician, but not being able to connect and spend time together had driven a wedge between them. They were both feeling dissatisfied and started arguing more during the brief time they saw each other. While they kept up with scheduling a date night, during it they both felt frustrated and alone. “I remember one date night in particular, because we never made it out of the parking lot of the apartment complex we were living in,” remembered Rachel. “We just sat in the car, side by side, and I just felt exhausted, numb, and kind of lost. I was working so hard, for us, but somehow in the middle of my grueling residency, we had lost that us. All that was left