Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

A true love story isn’t a fairy tale. It takes vulnerability and effort.

Perfection is not the price of love. Practice is. We practice how to express our love and how to receive our partner’s love. Love is an action even more than a feeling. It requires intention and attention, a practice we call attunement.

Make dedicated, nonnegotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner.

The plain and simple truth is—date nights make relationships.

The fact is, couples that are truly committed to each other don’t have one foot out the door. They have invested everything in this one relationship. All their eggs are in one basket.

They don’t threaten to leave when times get tough. And they don’t spend time thinking that their ideal partner is still out there somewhere, and that that fantasy person will be easier to live with or more adept at meeting their needs than the very real, very human, very flawed person they chose to love, honor, and cherish. And it is worth stating again: If things aren’t going well in their relationship, they voice their concerns to their partner instead of complaining about their partner to someone else.

Vulnerability creates trust, and trust is the oxygen your relationship needs to breathe. Trust is also built over time, and over lots of conversations—like

if you enter into any long-term relationship thinking that the hallmark of its success is a lack of conflict, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and failure.