Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

Many of our problems travel with us, reincarnating in each relationship, until eventually we learn to recognize them for what they are and manage them appropriately. A big source of trouble is the misconception that our problems are all solvable. Our research has shown that 69 percent of the time, when couples talk about that one thing that they always argue about, it’s what we call a perpetual problem. It’s not going to be resolved. Relationships work to the extent that you have a set of perpetual problems that you can learn to live with. And the great gift is that within these conflicts, within these perpetual problems that you can’t ever seem to resolve, lie the greatest opportunities for growth and intimacy. When you discover what lies beneath those problems, you uncover something that is at the core of your partner’s belief system or personality. Obviously there are conflicts that can be deal breakers as we mentioned in the introduction—one of you wants children and the other doesn’t, one refuses treatment for a substance abuse problem or addiction, domestic violence—but for the most part, problems are either perpetual problems (they can’t be solved and will never be solved) or they’re