Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

When Trust Has Been Broken If you break any of your agreements about trust, there are steps to fix what’s been broken. These steps hold true for minor or major breaks, but you can’t skip any of these steps. 1 Set a specific time and place to talk. 2 Each partner names the feelings he or she experienced during the incident or breach in trust, without blame or criticism. 3 The receiving partner listens without feedback or judgment. 4 Each person describes his or her point of view about what happened during the incident without blaming or criticizing their partner, while their partner only listens and tries to empathize. The listener shouldn’t bring up their own point of view until it’s their turn to speak. 5 Explain and examine any feelings that were triggered by the incident but that were originally felt long before this relationship. For example, one of you is a no-show for a dinner date, and that triggers a feeling of abandonment the other had from childhood or the rejection or infidelity in a past relationship. 6 Each partner assesses how they contributed to the incident and holds himself or herself accountable. 7 Each apologizes and accepts the other’s apology. 8 You make a plan together to prevent this from happening again. Each of the eight dates are experiments in vulnerability, and we hope that on this first date your conversation about what trust means to each of you will bring you not only closer together, but also closer to creating the relationship you b...