Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

And the big secret to creating a love that lasts and grows over time is simple. Make dedicated, nonnegotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner. Don’t assume you know who they are today, just because you went to bed with them the night before. In short, never stop asking questions. But ask the right kind of questions.

Decades of research show that the great relationships—the masters—are built on respect, empathy, and a profound understanding of each other. Relationships don’t last without talk, even for the strong and silent type.

Happily ever after simply means that both partners are known, valued, accepted for who they are and who they are becoming. The goal is to be able to love your partner more deeply each and every year you’re together.

You might worry: Will the conversations lead to a fight? What if we don’t understand each other’s point of view? What if we have doubts about our differences? All of this is okay. We’re going to teach you how to ask open-ended questions and really listen to each other’s answers. We’ll give you clear guidelines about how to make the conversations creative and not combative.

One of the great gifts of relationship and marriage—and there are many—is the ability to see the world through the eyes of another person, intimately, deeply, profoundly, in a way we’re almost never able to do with another human being. If you approach the mystery that is your partner with curiosity, your relationship and your life will be immeasurably enriched.

What it boils down to is that an overall perceived negativity will quickly erode a relationship. And every successful marriage and relationship has, at its foundation, a deep and close friendship—partners who really know each other and are, at the heart of it, on the same side, part of the same team. This is why the conversations in this book matter. The words you choose matter. Your tone of voice matters. Even your facial expressions matter.

Happy couples are not so very different from unhappy couples; they are simply able to make repairs to their relationship easier and faster so they can get back to the joy of being together.

It can be seen as an accomplishment to just make a relationship last. There are countless stories of couples white-knuckling their way through 30 or more years of marriage. But we ask, how do you make your relationship a true source of joy, growth, and love decade after decade?

Keep a Sense of Humor: If you want the best for your relationship or you’re concerned about your relationship, you’re doing the right thing by having the conversations in this book. Yes, it’s serious and important work, but we also want you to have fun. Find the moments of humor. Find the joy, even when it feels difficult. Don’t forget why you fell in love with each other, and most important, don’t forget to laugh.

Listening is the all-important other half. It requires a special kind of listening. It’s where we listen to understand, without judgment or defensiveness, or the desire to rebut. It is an accepting form of listening. Listening is an action; you have to commit to it. And you can’t do that if you don’t get out of your own head. If you stay inside yourself, the voice you hear will be your own, and not your loved one’s.

Avoid Judgment: Don’t be critical and don’t give advice unless your partner asks for it. In every conversation with our partner we want to communicate respect, understanding, and empathy. The conversations we’re advocating for require a certain amount of vulnerability and openness, in which each partner feels safe and free to share their innermost thoughts, feelings, and fears with the other. Remember the goal in these conversations isn’t to prove that you’re right in your beliefs or that your partner is wrong. The goal is to understand the similarities and differences that you have and to create empathy for why you each see the world the way that you do.

Choosing commitment means accepting your partner exactly as he or she is, despite their flaws. It means never threatening to leave, even if at times you might want to. It also means caring about your partner’s pain as much as—if not more than—your own. As John so aptly puts it, “If my wife is in pain, my world stops so I can listen to her.” In a committed relationship, you will both stop the world to try to understand and ease each other’s pain. This is partly why we get married, and this is partly why we love. We need each other and we need to be needed by each other. True commitment is choosing each other over and over again, because ultimately what makes relationships work is the decision to make them work.

Alice doesn’t look back and doesn’t question the adventure she’s chosen. That’s commitment. You two never did that. You have the trappings of commitment and loyalty, but you go to a party and think someone else can meet your needs better. You don’t like each other’s behavior and think that means they’re not the one for you. When you negotiate with each other, it’s always from a point of self-interest, not mutual benefit. You haven’t built trust, or commitment, or a foundation of loyalty to each other because you’re not really in this relationship. That’s why no therapist can help you. You’re both still looking over your shoulder thinking the grass would be greener if you had followed some other rabbit down some other rabbit hole, into some different wonderland.”

angry, sad, or disappointed, you may just wonder if you’ve chosen the right rabbit to follow down the right rabbit hole. You may even have a moment when you wonder or even believe that you could “do better” than the person who is in front of you at this moment annoying you, or hurting you, or letting you down. The fact is, couples that are truly committed to each other don’t have one foot out the door. They have invested everything in this one relationship. All their eggs are in one basket. They don’t threaten to leave when times get tough. And they don’t spend time thinking that their ideal partner is still out there somewhere, and that that fantasy person will be easier to live with or more adept at meeting their needs than the very real, very human, very flawed person they chose to love, honor, and cherish. And it is worth stating again: If things aren’t going well in their relationship, they voice their concerns to their partner instead of complaining about their partner to someone else. Committing to a relationship requires a certain level of vulnerability that can be way more frightening than anything Alice ever encountered in Wonderland. Will she meet my needs? Will he really be there for me? Will she love me for who I am or try to change me? Will she criticize me to others? Will she betray me? Will he love me and care for me if I get sick? Will he leave me?

Trust is built in small moments of attuning to our partner, and listening like a friend and ally when our partner is experiencing a negative emotion—sadness, anger, disgust, or fear, even if those emotions are about us. In all of our decisions we’re thinking of maximizing our partner’s benefits as well as our own. Mutual trust rests in the belief that both of us are thinking for two. We aren’t negotiating for the best deal for just ourselves. We’re always considering the cost of any choice for our partner, too.

There are many ways people break trust in a relationship, but here are ten of the most common: Not showing up on time Not making their partner a priority Not being there when their partner is hurting or sick Not contributing to the well-being of the family (me rather than we) Not keeping promises Keeping secrets Lying Humiliating or putting down partner in public or private Commiting an act of emotional or physical infidelity Being physically violent

When Trust Has Been Broken If you break any of your agreements about trust, there are steps to fix what’s been broken. These steps hold true for minor or major breaks, but you can’t skip any of these steps. 1 Set a specific time and place to talk. 2 Each partner names the feelings he or she experienced during the incident or breach in trust, without blame or criticism. 3 The receiving partner listens without feedback or judgment. 4 Each person describes his or her point of view about what happened during the incident without blaming or criticizing their partner, while their partner only listens and tries to empathize. The listener shouldn’t bring up their own point of view until it’s their turn to speak. 5 Explain and examine any feelings that were triggered by the incident but that were originally felt long before this relationship. For example, one of you is a no-show for a dinner date, and that triggers a feeling of abandonment the other had from childhood or the rejection or infidelity in a past relationship. 6 Each partner assesses how they contributed to the incident and holds himself or herself accountable. 7 Each apologizes and accepts the other’s apology. 8 You make a plan together to prevent this from happening again. Each of the eight dates are experiments in vulnerability, and we hope that on this first date your conversation about what trust means to each of you will bring you not only closer together, but also closer to creating the relationship you b...

Commitment is actually built on thinking and then communicating to one’s partner that he or she is precious, and not replaceable. In one’s mind, as well as in communication, we build commitment by nurturing our gratitude in what we have with our partner. We think to ourselves that no one can hold a candle to our partner, and in our mind we magnify the positive qualities our partner has and we minimize the negative qualities. We think and communicate that no one out there—real or imagined—can compare with our partner.

On the other hand, betrayal is nurtured by communicating to one’s partner that he or she is lacking certain qualities we simply cannot do without, and therefore is highly replaceable. In one’s mind, as well in communication, we build betrayal by nurturing our resentment for what is missing in our partner. We think to ourselves that many people can easily hold a candle to our partner, and in our mind we magnify the negative qualities our partner has and we minimize the positive qualities. We think and communicate that other people out there—real or imagined—can easily compare with, and even outdo, our partner.

Conflict is necessary because we inevitably run into speed bumps in our ability to love one another, and when we hit one of these speed bumps we need to slow down and proceed with care. Mutual understanding: This is the healthiest and most productive goal of all conflict. That may surprise you. The goal of conflict is not to win or to convince the other person that you’re right or even to be the same. In creating compromise we have to understand each other’s core needs on the issue we’re discussing, as well as each other’s areas of flexibility. However, the goal is not to become identical, it’s to understand each other.

Here’s another headline: Our research has shown that most relational conflict is not resolvable.

Many of our problems travel with us, reincarnating in each relationship, until eventually we learn to recognize them for what they are and manage them appropriately. A big source of trouble is the misconception that our problems are all solvable. Our research has shown that 69 percent of the time, when couples talk about that one thing that they always argue about, it’s what we call a perpetual problem. It’s not going to be resolved. Relationships work to the extent that you have a set of perpetual problems that you can learn to live with. And the great gift is that within these conflicts, within these perpetual problems that you can’t ever seem to resolve, lie the greatest opportunities for growth and intimacy. When you discover what lies beneath those problems, you uncover something that is at the core of your partner’s belief system or personality. Obviously there are conflicts that can be deal breakers as we mentioned in the introduction—one of you wants children and the other doesn’t, one refuses treatment for a substance abuse problem or addiction, domestic violence—but for the most part, problems are either perpetual problems (they can’t be solved and will never be solved) or they’re

Conflict can bring you closer, if you choose to approach it as a way to know your partner more. If you genuinely seek understanding of your partner’s position, you can create deeper intimacy and a stronger relationship, through any disagreement.

This is easy to read in a book, but sometimes we say and do things that damage our partner. We forget about seeking understanding, and we give a 20-minute diatribe on why we’re right and they’re wrong. We get defensive, we criticize, we show contempt, and we turn away at the very moment we should be turning toward each other. We call these regrettable incidents—our nice term for a fight, and “master couples” know how to minimize the damage from words said in the heat of an argument. In John and Julie’s research they divided their couples into “masters” and “disasters.” Master couples stayed together happily. Disaster couples split up, or stayed together unhappily. When it came to conflict, the masters always knew how to repair the damage done

It’s the fight recap, where you figure out how to make this particular matchup go better in the future. The goal here is not to once again argue for your reality or prove that you’re right and they’re wrong; it’s to understand what reality looks like to the other person. Both of you are right in your own feelings and perceptions, and you’re capable of looking at the situation through your partner’s eyes.

Make a pie chart and map out your hours for a typical day. How much time is spent working apart from each other (paid work outside the home), and how many hours are spent working together (unpaid work in the home)? How many hours are spent connecting in the relationship? How many with family (if applicable)? How much time is spent alone? Now make a second pie chart and write down your ideal time for each of these areas. If, for example, you’d like to spend three hours a day connecting, and two hours a day solo, and the reality is you spend about one hour for both—then you know what areas you need to work on and what your priorities are. If you set your priorities for your time together at the beginning of your relationship, this shared value of your time can be a guidepost. You have a goal you’ve created together, and a metric to see when the balance has shifted in ways that aren’t in alignment with what you’ve both decided is important to your relationship.

So what does this mean in terms of our relationships and our quest for happily ever after? Brown says, “Play refreshes a long-term adult-adult relationship; some of the hallmarks of its refreshing, oxygenating action are: humor, the enjoyment of novelty, the capacity to share a lighthearted sense of the world’s ironies, and the enjoyment of mutual storytelling. These playful communications and interactions, when nourished, produce a climate for easy connection and a more rewarding relationship—true intimacy.”

Each and every one of us longs for excitement and that overwhelming sense that something wonderful is about to happen. For a couple, play and adventure is all about learning together, growing together, exploring together, and supporting the natural curiosity you both have. Adventure always involves the unknown, and as such, there is a hint of danger to it. Some people can tolerate more danger than others. Explore the ways you’re the same, explore the ways you’re different, and find your common ground.

One indication that adventure is lacking is when one or both of you are seeking substitutions for the dopamine response and end up feeding the need for play and adventure (dopamine) with sugar, chocolate, junk food and, for some, alcohol, prescription drugs, and other mind-altering

Think about how each of you likes to play. If you haven’t played in a while, or nothing comes to mind, think back to when you played as a child. What was the most fun you had while playing? What type of play did you do that made you feel the most alive and the happiest? Now when was the last time you did that, or something similar to that? What about your partner?

Here’s the key takeaway for a love that lasts a lifetime. The goal isn’t to try to make the other person be like you. The goal is to learn from them and to benefit from the ways you’re different. Life can be a struggle. Relationships can be a struggle.