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Mutual understanding: This is the healthiest and most productive goal of all conflict.
Our research has shown that most relational conflict is not resolvable.
Relationships work to the extent that you have a set of perpetual problems that you can learn to live with. And the great gift is that within these conflicts, within these perpetual problems that you can’t ever seem to resolve, lie the greatest opportunities for growth and intimacy. When you discover what lies beneath those problems, you uncover something that is at the core of your partner’s belief system or personality.
Perpetual Problems: These are problems that center on fundamental differences you have in your personalities or lifestyle preferences. These are the problems that you return to over and over again.
within every gridlocked conflict, there is a longing and a dream in each person’s position about this issue, a dream buried under the surface ready to be uncovered.
getting things done.
There are two types of conflict: ~ Solvable problems are situational and about the topic. There isn’t usually a deeper meaning to the conflict or a person’s position. ~ Perpetual problems are fundamental differences in your personalities or lifestyle needs. All couples have perpetual problems, and these account for 69 percent of conflicts. Perpetual problems can become gridlocked problems, and when partners feel criticized, rejected, or unaccepted by the other partner, this can be a sign you’ve entered into gridlock.
Sheril Kirshenbaum, in her book The Science of Kissing, cites a ten-year German study that found that men who kissed their wives before leaving for work lived five years longer and earned 20 percent more than men who “left without a peck goodbye.”
Married couples have more sex than couples who are dating or living together.
The problem comes when our commitment to work and to our partner are in conflict, so how we find a way to satisfy both commitments is fundamental to the success of our relationship.
Even people’s fond memories of the 1950s are flawed, as Stephanie Coontz pointed out in her book The Way We Never Were. Back then, married women were often depressed and anxious, feeling unfulfilled without feeling entitled to their own dreams, without financial freedom, dominated by their husbands, and taking medications to control their sadness and anger. Women and men who were unmarried, gay or lesbian, or in alternative relationships were often left out of the cultural story altogether.
research shows that if you’re happy in your marriage you’re more likely to be happier in your job. The reverse is also true, job satisfaction can predict marital satisfaction, but researchers found this link to be weaker.
For the partner working long hours:
What does your work mean to you? What pleasure or satisfaction does work bring to you? What need does working fulfill in your life? How would you spend your day if money was no object and you didn’t have to work?
For the partner who is frustrated by the long hours: What does your partner’s absence mean to you? What do you miss about your partner when he or she is gone so much? What are you longing for in terms of emotional, physic...
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Make a pie chart and map out your hours for a typical day. How much time is spent working apart from each other (paid work outside the home), and how many hours are spent working together (unpaid work in the home)? How many hours are spent connecting in the relationship? How many with family (if applicable)? How much time is spent alone?
Now make a second pie chart and write down your ideal time for each of these areas. If, for example, you’d like to spend three hours a day connecting, and two hours a day solo, and the reality is you spend about one hour for both—then you know what areas you need to work on and what your priorities are.
Our own personal history with money can affect our relationships in surprising ways. It’s important to explore what your family legacy is about money, generosity, power, and wealth. What emotional history and thoughts do you have about being poor, about being dependent and independent, about being strong and being weak, about philanthropy, civic responsibility, luxury, and pride of accomplishment?
When two people with two separate histories with money get together, they must face the challenge of merging those two histories—or deal with the consequences of not addressing them. The first step is to understand your own history. The second step is to understand your partner’s history.
The definition of family is diverse and can include children, adopted children, foster children, no children, pets, friends, or your extended family.
Your primary relationship is your relationship to each other.
Ideally you’ll have children and families in your line of vision during this date. It’ll either serve as inspiration for the family you’d like to create with each other, or as inspiration to recommit to whatever birth control you have chosen.
you already have children, appreciate your partner for their support as a coparent.
How are we going to create a sense of family?
Who do you consider our closest family (this can be friends or relatives)? What do you want to do to deepen our relationship with our family or closest friends?
I commit to creating a loving family. If we do have children, I commit to avoiding destructive conflict and continuing to make our relationship a priority.
Often we will lament the loss of those lovestruck days and nights when our energy for each other had no limit, but our bodies develop a tolerance for the effects of PEA (much like it does to caffeine and other substances) that is often mistaken for the end of love. It’s not. And by committing to understanding our need for adventure and continued exploration with our partners, we can reactivate the hormonal love cocktail at any time.
Cook a dish from a new cuisine together
Choose a new restaurant to explore or cuisine to try
Learn a new language together (or at least a few phrases)
Go bicycling or rent a bicycle for two
Row a boat or canoe or kayak together
whale watching, the local zoo, or the aquarium
Get tickets to our favorite sports event and cheer together
Climb a hill, mountain, or friendly tree
Go to a theme park or amusement park
Learn couples’ massage
Scuba dive or go cage diving with sharks
hiking, camping, or backpacking
Travel to an exotic country
Amazing things happen in relationships when a couple can grow and change and accommodate the growth of the other person. The sum is greater than the parts, and relationships can be more than just two individuals coming together—they can be stories of transformation and great contribution and meaning in the world.
The goal isn’t to try to make the other person be like you. The goal is to learn from them and to benefit from the ways you’re different. Life can be a struggle. Relationships can be a struggle. You create meaning when you meet each inevitable struggle in life together, and move and grow through its adversity. When you create meaning out of the struggle, you stay together.
Research on married couples shows that if a couple holds their relationship as sacred, then they have a better relationship. Along these same lines, another study also showed that when people felt that the sex between them was sacred or it was sanctified by their religion as sacred, then they had more sex, better sex, and longer lasting sex, plus they had higher marital satisfaction.
How do you hold your relationship as sacred? We do this by creating shared meaning and by creating our own rituals for connection.
Write your own eulogy. What would you like it to say? What qualities or accomplishments would you most like to be remembered for at the time of your death?
Friend to all. A lover, warm hugger, and father with a curious mind. I'd like to be remembered for helping others through tough times and/or decisions which impacted their careers or lives.
What goals do you have in life, for yourself, for your partner, for your children (if you have children)? What do you want to accomplish in the next five to ten years?
Continue a steady climb up a steep growth path. Travel the world with the love of my life, Susan Cameron. Help ensure both of my children know they can count on me for love and guidance.
what are the important things in your life that are truly great sources of energy and pleasure that you really need to block out time for, the important things that keep getting postponed or crowded out?
Cycling away from cars. Hiking or otherwise exploring nature. Spending quality time with my partner, Susan, and Bear. Eating Susan's amazing cullinary delights. Waking up in different countries with Susan. Waking up and making love to her.
What is the role of spirituality or religion in your lives? What was this role in your families growing up? What would you like it to be now or in the future?
This is less of a crutch than it once was. I've grown particularly wary of organized religion and the people behind religion on the right.
Start with a favorite photo of them. Collect a few objects that remind you of your partner and arrange them around the photo. Be thoughtful with what you collect. Let it be things that represent shared meaning between you.
I also commit to creating three shared rituals for connection as listed below:
1. DATE NIGHT
2. Holding hands on walks, when I'm not overly hot that is ;-)
3. Reaffirming how we choose one another often enough that we can celebrate it and infrequently enough that it doesn't become passé
