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Kindle Notes & Highlights
it’s our commitment to being curious rather than correct that allows us to turn toward instead of away from one another in the moments of disagreement. Whether you and your partner are talkative or quiet, the words that pass between you, as well as the expressions and gestures that accompany those words, will define and determine your relationship.
Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.
Make dedicated, nonnegotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner.
Decades of research show that the great relationships—the masters—are built on respect, empathy, and a profound understanding of each other.
Learning to understand and accept the ways in which you’re different is key to creating lasting connection and enduring love.
one set of variables determined whether a marriage would succeed or fail: Were the couples being positive or negative during the interview?
The words you choose matter. Your tone of voice matters. Even your facial expressions matter.
set aside time once a week to have a planned date night—or date afternoon or morning.
The goal is to have a special date once a week, and make that a priority in your relationship.
The plain and simple truth is—date nights make relationships.
a date is a preplanned time where the two of you leave your work life and your work-in-the-home life, and spend a set amount of time focusing on each other, and really talking and listening to each other.
Leave your electronics at home or turn them off and check only when the date is over.
John and Julie used to have a cheap date by getting dressed up and going to the beautiful Hotel Sorrento in Seattle, and pretending that they were hotel guests. They would sit in the beautiful lobby in front of a fire and nurse one drink all evening. They would answer each other’s open-ended questions for hours.
Read each chapter separately or together before the date. The beginning of each chapter explains why this topic is important to your relationship and what you need to know to make this a joyful part of a lasting relationship.
Try to have no more than the equivalent of one glass of wine on each date.
When you’re present as a listener, you don’t assume you know what your partner is going to say next, and while your partner is speaking, avoid thinking about what you will say next, or preparing your rebuttal. Instead, just LISTEN.
Make sure you don’t minimize your partner’s feelings by dismissing them or trying to fix them. You don’t have to make your partner feel better or cheer him or her up. Your only goal is simply to listen and to try to understand.
A powerful way to witness and to “be there” for your partner is to repeat back in your own words what you have heard your partner saying, and thus communicate validation.
Don’t be critical and don’t give advice unless your partner asks for it.
If you find you’re not understanding each other, but rather heading toward conflict, take a deep breath (counting to ten really does help because it calms down the emotional centers of the brain) or take a bathroom break.
In a relationship, commitment is a choice we make every single day, over and over again. We choose it even when we are tired and overworked and stressed out. We choose it no matter what attractive person crosses our path. We also choose it every time our partner makes a bid for attention and we put down our book, or look away from the television, or up from our smartphone, or stop whatever it is we’re occupied with to acknowledge their importance in our life. This acknowledgement may call for just a smile or for a conversation, but whatever it calls for, we authentically try to deliver. When
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it is the small, positive things done often that make the most difference and build that cocoon of trust and safety in our relationships.
when people, especially people who are unhappy in their relationships, start confiding in another person about their relationship, they are opening up a window to this outside person.
they start building a wall between themselves and their primary partner. There can’t be walls between you if you’re going to have long-term and lasting trust, commitment, and loyalty.
If things aren’t going well in their relationship, they voice their concerns to their partner instead of complaining about their partner to someone else.
the more honest we are, the more we can discover that our partner really loves us for who we are, and not the idealized version of us that shows up when we first begin to date.
Mutual trust rests in the belief that both of us are thinking for two. We aren’t negotiating for the best deal for just ourselves. We’re always considering the cost of any choice for our partner, too.
If you break any of your agreements about trust, there are steps to fix what’s been broken.
Commitment is actually built on thinking and then communicating to one’s partner that he or she is precious, and not replaceable.
Create a ritual time—maybe once a week—for cherishing your partner out loud.
