Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

Fondness, Affection, Admiration: Either verbally or nonverbally, the couple expresses positive affect (warmth, humor, affection); they emphasize the good times; they compliment their partner.

We-ness versus Separateness: The couple emphasizes their ability to communicate well with each other and their mutual unity and togetherness. They use words like “we,” “us,” or

“our” as opposed to a lot of “I,” “me,” “mine.” They don’t describe t...

Expansiveness versus Withdrawal: The couple describes memories about their shared past vividly and distinctly, versus vaguely or more generally with an inability to recall details. They are positive and energetic talking about their relationship, versus lacking energy and enthusiasm in recalling their past. They expres...

Glorifying the Struggle: In a relationship people build a whole life together, filled with values, purpose, and meaning. In “glorifying the struggle,” the couple expresses pride that they have survived difficult times, versus expressing the hopelessness of their hard times. They emphasize their commitment to th...

The words you choose matter. Your tone of voice matters. Even your facial expressions matter.

Happy couples are not so very different from unhappy couples; they are simply able to make repairs to their relationship easier and faster so they can get back to the joy of being together.

a date is a preplanned time where the two of you leave your work life and your work-in-the-home life, and spend a set amount of time focusing on each other, and really talking and listening to each other.

Date nights should be sacred times to honor your relationship. Think of them as such, schedule them in your calendars for as much time as possible—even if it’s just for an hour, suit up and show up, no matter what.

This wall around the two of you separates you from others in terms of your deepest emotional and physical connections. What Dr. Glass found in her research is that when people, especially people who are unhappy in their relationships, start confiding in another person about their relationship, they are opening up a window to this outside person. And when they keep this new platonic or emotional relationship secret from their partner, they start building a wall between

themselves and their primary partner. There can’t be walls between you if you’re going to have long-term and lasting trust, commitment, and loyalty. And windows to a close friend (whether of the opposite sex or the same sex) outside your relationship can quickly become doorways, and that’s when affairs happen.

If things aren’t going well, we go to no one else to complain. Instead we need to go directly to our partner to work things out.

There is one step that cascades toward all betrayals. It often happens when things aren’t going well in the relationship. That step is making negative comparisons of our partner with other real or imagined alternative relationship partners.

Many of our problems travel with us, reincarnating in each relationship, until eventually we learn to recognize them for what they are and manage them appropriately. A big source of trouble is the misconception that our problems are all solvable. Our research has shown that 69 percent of the time, when couples talk about that one thing that they always argue about, it’s what we call a perpetual problem. It’s not going to be resolved.

Because within every gridlocked conflict, there is a longing and a dream in each person’s position about this issue, a dream buried under the surface ready to be uncovered. Conflict can bring you closer, if you choose to approach it as a way to know your partner more. If you genuinely seek understanding of your partner’s position, you can create deeper intimacy

As you think about what you need, keep it positive—what you do need as opposed to what you don’t need or want. Also, try to make that positive need as specific as you can so it’s like a recipe for success with you.