Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

And when conflict comes, as it inevitably does when we weave two lives together, it’s our commitment to being curious rather than correct that allows us to turn toward instead of away from one another in the moments of disagreement.

Perfection is not the price of love. Practice is. We practice how to express our love and how to receive our partner’s love. Love is an action even more than a feeling. It requires intention and attention, a practice we call attunement.

Happily ever after simply means that both partners are known, valued, accepted for who they are and who they are becoming.

one of the great marriage myths is that if you never fight or discuss difficult and uncomfortable issues, then that means you have a “good” relationship.

“I almost look forward to our conflicts now, because we always seem to come out of them understanding something new about each other and it brings us closer and closer.

Even when we disagree, we’re still on the same team, trying to find a way to understand each other and work it out.”

Listening to each other’s stories is a powerful way to navigate disagreements.

Mutual understanding: This is the healthiest and most productive goal of all conflict.

Many of our problems travel with us, reincarnating in each relationship, until eventually we learn to recognize them for what they are and manage them appropriately.

Conflict can bring you closer, if you choose to approach it as a way to know your partner more.

It’s better to say “I heard you saying . . .” than to say “You said . . .” The former phrasing makes it clear that it’s your perspective, not necessarily the facts.

taking responsibility—even for a small part of the problem in communication—presents the opportunity for great repair.

Approach your differences with curiosity rather than correctness. Have a genuine desire to understand the stories that are underneath the issues.

There is no winner in a healthy conflict; there is only understanding and resolution or acceptance.

The greatest gift a couple can give their kids is a loving relationship they can model and grow within. The children are nurtured by the love between the parents as much as by the love they receive directly.

the conflict money creates isn’t about numbers—it’s about what money means. Money buys pleasure, and it also buys security. Balancing the two can be work for any couple, and ultimately the goal is to balance the freedom and empowerment money represents with the security and trust it also signifies.

You accommodate growth and change in a relationship by making it safe for your partner to share the unfamiliar and by being truly curious about the growth they’re experiencing. When individuals grow, relationships grow. When individuals transform, relationships transform.

The best way to cherish each other is to make your relationship a priority. Give it time, give it attention, and be intentional about the life you’re creating with each other.