Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

And the big secret to creating a love that lasts and grows over time is simple. Make dedicated, nonnegotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner.

True commitment is choosing each other over and over again, because ultimately what makes relationships work is the decision to make them work.

Commitment is actually built on thinking and then communicating to one’s partner that he or she is precious, and not replaceable. In one’s mind, as well as in communication, we build commitment by nurturing our gratitude in what we have with our partner. We think to ourselves that no one can hold a candle to our partner, and in our mind we magnify the positive qualities our partner has and we minimize the negative qualities. We think and communicate that no one out there—real or imagined—can compare with our partner.

What does trust and commitment look like in our relationship? How can we make each other feel safe? What are our agreements about trust and commitment?

At the core of managing conflict, especially when it comes to a perpetual problem, is accepting your partner for who they are. When you accept what you can’t change, you accept each other. Accept your partner for who they are, and they’ll do the same. Celebrate and learn from your differences.