Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

Every great love story is a never-ending conversation. From the first tentative questions we ask as we get to know one another, to the nail-biting discussions of trust and commitment, to the most profound heart-to-heart explorations of our love, our pain, and our dreams, it’s the quality of our questions and our answers that allow us to continue learning and growing with one another through the years. And when conflict comes, as it inevitably does when we weave two lives together, it’s our commitment to being curious rather than correct that allows us to turn toward instead of away from one another in the moments of disagreement. Whether you and your partner are talkative or quiet, the words that pass between you, as well as the expressions and gestures that accompany those words, will define and determine your relationship. A true love story isn’t a fairy tale. It takes vulnerability and effort. The reward is that you love your partner more on your fiftieth anniversary than you did on your wedding night. You can stay in love forever.

Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts. A lifetime of love is created every single day you are together.

You can spend a lifetime being curious about the inner world of your partner, and being brave enough to share your own inner world, and never be done discovering all there is to know about each other.

Perfection is not the price of love. Practice is. We practice how to express our love and how to receive our partner’s love. Love is an action even more than a feeling. It requires intention and attention, a practice we call attunement.

Make dedicated, nonnegotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner.

Decades of research show that the great relationships—the masters—are built on respect, empathy, and a profound understanding of each other.

Happily ever after doesn’t mean there are no challenges or conflict. You can’t be in a relationship and not have conflict. Not if you’re doing it right.

Happily ever after simply means that both partners are known, valued, accepted for who they are and who they are becoming.

Life takes its toll on all relationships as careers, children, and crises can pull us away from each other.

We all want to have a relationship that’s healthy and happy, intimate and passionate, and that lets us thrive as individuals, as a couple and, for many, eventually as a family. We want a partnership and a collaboration—to know that this other person will be there at our side for all that life brings—the good and the bad.

Staying in love takes a level of vulnerability that isn’t always comfortable.