Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

One of the great gifts of relationship and marriage—and there are many—is the ability to see the world through the eyes of another person, intimately, deeply, profoundly, in a way we’re almost never able to do with another human being. If you approach the mystery that is your partner with curiosity, your relationship and your life will be immeasurably enriched.

The words you choose matter. Your tone of voice matters. Even your facial expressions matter.

Happy couples are not so very different from unhappy couples; they are simply able to make repairs to their relationship easier and faster so they can get back to the joy of being together.

Approach your differences with curiosity rather than correctness. Have a genuine desire to understand the stories that are underneath the issues.

Remember the all-important ratio of positive to negative experiences during nonconflict interaction: 20 positive experiences for every negative one.

The goal isn’t to try to make the other person be like you. The goal is to learn from them and to benefit from the ways you’re different.

honoring your partner’s dreams is a potent way to express your care for someone, because it shows a profound love. Yes, you’re loyal to each other, but can you also be loyal to what is most sacred and important to the other person?

You can make all of each other’s dreams come true, but that rarely happens at the same time. Sacrifices may need to be made.

Don’t part in the morning without knowing one interesting thing that will happen in your partner’s day. Kiss each other goodbye. Kiss each other hello. Play together. Take time to talk about your day with each other. Know what is stressing your partner out. Know what they are looking forward to. Honor each other’s dreams.