Rethinking Sexuality: God's Design and Why It Matters

by Juli Slattery

For example, my first language is English. I think in English and know most of the slang of my English-speaking American culture. To graduate from college, I needed to learn a foreign language, so I took three years of Spanish. This language was foreign indeed. I studied and memorized and even passed the exam, but now, three decades later, I remember little. When class was over, I forgot most of what I learned and moved on to everyday life. Despite the courses I took in Spanish, I was a long way from being fluent. Fluency means being able to think in that language, not simply responding with memorized phrases and questions. People rarely become fluent through an educational model. Fluent thought and speech usually come through immersion in an environment that consistently reinforces and models the language for us. The danger of an educational model is that it reduces complex issues to a five-week course. We think we are experts when we read the book, memorize some stats, and prepare for the test. When we have been “educated” in what the Bible has to say about sexuality, we know how to spit out answers only to questions we have been prepared to answer. We might be able to show someone a verse about avoiding sexual immorality, but we can’t explain the larger issue of why God cares about sex in the first place. This simplistic understanding of sexuality is also what leads to legalism and judgmental attitudes. Historically, we have just taught a list of sexual dos and don’ts. ...

Some sexual sins (such as using sex to control or manipulate your spouse) were accepted, while other sexual sins have been preached against with “fire and brimstone.” The sexual crisis of our day is not the LGBTQ agenda or even the widespread use of porn. Those are simply the most obvious symptoms of the greater challenge: embracing God’s design for our sexuality. Human sexuality is an extremely complicated aspect of our nature. God’s design, the many ways we have been affected by sexual sin and brokenness, and how our sexuality is redeemed—we cannot fully grasp these matters with an educational or problem-solving approach. WE CAN’T SEPARATE

As this story illustrates, sexual issues are ultimately spiritual issues. When our sexuality is confusing, God becomes confusing. When the body of Christ is not willing to engage in these conversations, we allow the Enemy to build strongholds in people’s lives. Their most private temptations, struggles, pain, disappointments, and shame represent their doubts about, resentment toward, and mistrust of the character of God. I know of no issue that more effectively cuts to the quick of our beliefs about God. To the extent that we refuse to talk about tough sexual issues, we allow culture to define God’s character and truth on sexuality. Here are a few examples: Breana was sexually abused from the time she was a little girl. When she turned eighteen and escaped her childhood home, Breana went from one boyfriend to the next, each relationship becoming sexual sooner. In her twenties, Breana had two unwanted pregnancies that ended in abortion. When she was thirty-one, she found herself desperate enough to go to church with a coworker. She heard that Jesus loves her and has

Christians have allowed the world to define sexuality, sexual brokenness, and sexual wholeness for far too long. To the extent that we chicken out of this conversation or provide simplistic answers to complicated questions, we add to the confusion. Sadly,

Throughout this book, I will challenge your paradigm of sexuality. My intent is to teach you how to think biblically about sexuality. Remember that a paradigm shift can’t simply stay in your head. It must also influence how you live and how you interact with people around you. When we focus only on theology and truth, we become judgmental and even hypocritical. God wants His truth to transform our hearts and His love to shape how we reach the hurting.

The cultural approach to sexuality is grounded in the larger worldview of postmodernism or humanism. Essentially, the driving philosophy behind the sexual revolution is the conviction that we should throw off external standards of truth and any fixed ideas of right and wrong. Postmodernism aims to give human beings the freedom to define their own reality and morality. God’s rules or someone else’s ethical standards are irrelevant because I can create my own moral reality. Only I can decide what is the “right” or “wrong” way for me to express myself sexually. The transgender movement is the ultimate expression of postmodern thought, denying even the biological constraints of male

and female. Gender becomes something we create in our own thoughts instead of a physical reality to which we must adjust our thinking. What was once called “sex reassignment surgery” is now commonly referred to as “gender confirmation surgery,” indicating that truth is found in what we feel rather than a physical reality.

Even if you don’t buy into postmodern thought, you might be surprised to know how much it has affected your worldview. We often make decisions based on questions such as “What would make me happy?” “What do I really want from life?” and “What does my gut tell me?” Many feel the social pressure to refrain from ...

Why does God care about sex? Why does it matter what you believe about issues such as cohabitation, porn, and divorce? Aren’t these arbitrary lifestyle preferences in which God gives us freedom? A primary problem of our current approach to teaching about sexuality is that we don’t understand why our sexual worldview is a critical aspect of following Jesus. Sex and sexual questions seem to be random, disconnected problems rather than integral to our Christian life. We don’t think of sexuality as representing Christian maturity, nor do we understand how it is an essential part of our faith. Sexual discipleship will occur only when we see how sexuality dovetails with the larger picture of what it means to be a Christ follower. Jesus gave His disciples (including modern-day followers) a clear commission: “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you” (Matthew 28:19–20). Our primary work is to preach the good news of Jesus’s death and resurrection and make disciples of those who trust in Him. Everything we teach, including how to honor God with our sexuality, must be an extension of those two overarching goals: evangelism and discipleship. Our conversations about sex must be rooted in a deep desire to see people know the love of Jesus and follow Him as disciples. We don’t talk about sex simply to condemn people or to prove a point. Nor do ...

After all, Jesus didn’t say, “Go into all the world and make virgins and heterosexuals.” He told us to make disciples. Our mission is to exalt Jesus as Lord, Creator, and Savior of every aspect of our lives, including sexuality. WHY WE

Because the body of Christ has often not taught Christians to think biblically about sexuality, the average believer is immature in his or her understanding of God’s heart for this area of life. Most have personal opinions, but few know how to form those opinions based on God’s truth as revealed in creation and Scripture.

What if being honest about the level of sexual addiction in the church proves the lack of power of the Holy Spirit to transform lives? What if God asks you to confront your own sexual shame or brokenness?

fear. If God is who He claims to be, there is no evidence, no question, no experience, no secret in my own life that can dismantle His absolute power, love, and sovereignty. Honoring the Lord means, by faith, pressing into all that He is with great confidence.

fellow Christian and I will disagree on such issues if we have different beliefs about God’s character and the authority of Scripture. The sexual confusion we see in our culture is rooted in spiritual confusion.

sexual chaos described in both Judges and Romans began with a rejection of God as Creator and Lord. As Paul noted, rather than worshipping the Creator, the Romans worshipped the creation.2 Both of these ancient people groups had a form of worship and spirituality that might have even included God. Yet their worship of God was “God plus something.”

This is what is happening in modern Christianity. While we may worship God, we worship something else right along with God. While we don’t tend to worship birds, stars, or reptiles, we do worship humanity. We elevate our own reasoning and experience as equal to or greater than God’s wisdom. We look inward for truth instead of looking upward. While we sing of God’s power and majesty in church, we suspend His rule over how we approach sexuality. We pretend He will look the other way while we form our sexual opinions based on a need to “be true to myself” and to accommodate cultural shifts. Remember, before God ever told us to love others, He commanded us to surrender completely and totally to Him.

Sexuality is understood through one of two possible lenses. Either it represents a personal expression of identity and feelings, or it is an intentional aspect of God’s design for humanity. Either we are free to define sexuality as we choose, or we defer to God in our understanding of male and female, sexual expression, and sexual morality. This choice ultimately boils down to whether we acknowledge that God created our sexuality. If He is the Creator, He defines the

purpose and parameters of its expression.

Dr. Paul McHugh, professor of psychiatry at John Hopkins, is one of those voices. He has expressed serious concern about encouraging transgenderism as normal rather than identifying it as a mental disorder. He is particularly apprehensive about “misguided doctors” who will “administer ‘puberty-delaying hormones’ ” to young children “even though the drugs stunt the children’s growth and risk causing sterility.” Dr. McHugh said that these actions come “close to child abuse,” given that about 80 percent of those children will outgrow their gender confusion and develop to accept their biological

gender. He concluded, “ ‘Sex change’ is biologically impossible….People who undergo sex-reassignment surgery do not change from men to women or vice versa. Rather, they become feminized men or masculinized women. Claiming that this is civil-rights matter and encouraging surgical intervention is in reality to collaborate with and promote a mental disorder.”8

indeed real, and there are no easy solutions to helping someone who feels trapped in the wrong gender. However, wholeness isn’t found in walking further away from God’s design, as a culture or as individuals. A Swedish study of the long-term effect of sex reassignment concludes that transgendered individuals who completed the surgery may actually experience an increase i...

Study after study concludes that it is a poor replacement and preparation for marriage. Specifically, cohabitation promotes a consumer mentality between two people. The pressure to continually measure up

undermines the stability of a couple even if they end up getting married.12

committed relationship releases in our bodies chemicals such as oxytocin (a bonding hormone), dopamine (a neurotransmitter that makes us feel good), and endorphins (natural painkillers and stress reducers). A man’s semen acts as an antidepressant for his sexual partner when absorbed in the vagina.13 However, engaging in the same sexual activity apart from a committed relationship has the opposite impact, particularly for women. Having

“God wants me to feel happy, complete, and fully accepted as I am,” eliminates the concept of sin from our vocabulary. We give ourselves license to pursue whatever we feel is right, with the cushion of God’s love to affirm and accept us.

stated, Nearly nine out of 10 self-proclaimed single Christians are, in practice, sexual atheists. In other words, God has nothing to say to them on that subject of any consequence or, at least, anything meaningful enough to dissuade them from following their own course of conduct. It is the ultimate oxymoron. A person who at once believes in a wise, sovereign and

God who created them and all things, can also believe simultaneously He should not, cannot or will not inform their thinking or living sexually. It reminds me of those famous red letters in Luke’s Gospel where Jesus says, “Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord’ and do not do what I say?” (Luke 6:46, NIV). There is a disconnect between identity and activity.20

cannot be resurrected until it is first dead. We have a multitude of Christians who will never experience the resurrection power of Jesus because they refuse to embrace the mortality of the cross. Paul wasn’t just trying to be inspirational when he wrote, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Galatians 2:20).

want to die on the cross, but at the last minute, we always seem to find a way to rescue ourselves. Nothing is easier to talk about than dying on the cross and surrendering ourselves, but nothing is harder than actually doing it. Talk is cheap, but the walk is what really matters. —A. W. Tozer, The Crucified

The gospel is the life-changing truth that God so loved the world that He sent His only Son, Jesus, to redeem His covenant people.2 Because of His love, God not only saves us, but He also calls us His own and has prepared a place for each one of us to love and serve Him eternally. Our sexuality, including its place within marriage, is a profound physical picture of this great spiritual truth.

most important spiritual truth Jesus came to teach is the gospel—God’s passionate love, His offer to redeem us from our sin, and the invitation of an eternal covenant relationship with God Himself. What could God create to help us understand this great truth? He created the covenant of marriage and its expression through sexuality. What do I mean by covenant love? Practically all our human relationships are contractual, meaning we promise to stay as long as that person keeps up his or her end of the bargain. Romantic relationships

God created Christian marriage to mirror covenant love, which asks that we commit to loyal love, “in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, until death.” This kind of love is not a feeling but a promise. When you make a covenant with your spouse, you are committing to continue to choose love, even when it costs. In losing yourself, you find yourself. In giving your life, you build a new one. Pastor Matt Chandler described the significance of this covenant love in a Christian marriage when he said, “The

Can you see the connection here between the marital covenant of a husband and wife and the spiritual covenant between God and His people? He chose us before the foundation of the earth.9 He gave His very life to demonstrate His love for us.10 He promises to never leave us or forsake us and asks us to do the same.11

sexual appetites and say things like, ‘I just want God to take this away from me!’ And I always say, ‘You really don’t.’ What they should want God to do is

empower their discipline and strength to be obedient, because sexual desire is a gift. We shouldn’t ask God to take one of his gifts away from us. Rather, we should ask him to help us steward it well, and lead us into the covenant relationship where we can enjoy it according to his design.”13

Unfortunately, the average young man and woman in today’s culture seek other outlets for their sexual and romantic desires. Rather than pursuing and committing to a woman, a young man will use pornography and masturbation to relieve sexual desire. Instead of entering a marriage covenant, men and women sleep together. This was never God’s intention. We are seeing the destructive consequences of these trends as men objectify women and women trade sex f...

Even when we marry, we typically do so in the pursuit of personal fulfillment rather than the noble desire to give ourselves in covenant to another.

Single Christians know the ache and longing for a covenant love that hasn’t come. Even those of us who are married feel this longing because the “shadow” will never fully satisfy our true longing for intimacy. A good marriage may give us a glimpse of oneness, love, and intimacy, but we still want more. Jesus alluded to this longing when He said that a time would come for mourning and fasting when the “bridegroom” was taken away.15 Spiritually, we are now in a season of longing, anticipation, searching, and seeking for our Bridegroom. He has promised to come for us. While we find hope in the promise, we live with the nagging (and sometimes overwhelming) tension that we can’t enter into the love our hearts were created for.

When I, in marriage, make myself physically naked and vulnerable, it’s a sign of what I’ve done with my whole life…. Sex is supposed to be a sign of what you [have] done with your whole life, and that’s the reason why sex outside of marriage, according to the Bible, lacks integrity. You’re asking someone to do with your body what you’re not doing with your life. You’re saying, “Let’s be physically vulnerable to each other, let’s do physical display, disclosure but not whole-life vulnerability.” If you have sex inside a covenant, then the sex becomes a covenant renewal ceremony. It becomes a commitment apparatus….You’re getting married all over again; you’re giving yourself all over again. It’s incredibly deepening and solidifying and nurturing….In marriage when you’re having sex, you’re really saying, “I belong completely and exclusively to you

and I’m acting it out….I’m giving you my body as a token of how I’ve given you my life. I’m opening to you physically as a token of the fact that I’ve opened to you in every other way.”16

Many couples who have sex have never together experienced sexual intimacy. A man and woman can share their bodies without being fully present with each other emotionally and spiritually. They may check out mentally or bring to mind fantasies or images of another person while being physically one with their spouse. I know a couple, Steve and Barbara, who have been married for fifty years. Much of their married lives, they settled for a cheap imitation of intimacy, him busying himself with work and sexual fantasies, and her hiding behind walls because of abuse and rejection. Steve shared, “We never developed a healthy, mutually satisfying intimacy.”

King David loved God and was also in love with God. His celebration of love often included singing, dancing, writing songs, and pouring out laments to his Lord. When David’s wife criticized

God’s covenant love but who have never celebrated (and don’t even know how to celebrate) covenant love. Bob Sorge observed, “[God’s] mandate is to establish our primary identity as lovers of God. By the time He is finished in our lives, we will be lovers who work rather than workers who love.”20

For a man and woman to still be in love and experience sexual passion over decades of marriage absolutely requires that they learn how to love unconditionally and sacrificially. Sexual intimacy is not only the celebration of the covenant between a husband and wife. It is also a tangible learning lab of covenant love, at times asking you to deny your own desires out of love for your spouse.

you have experienced the betrayal of sexual infidelity, abandonment, or divorce, you know firsthand the deep pain of a “till death do us part” promise that has been broken. Divorce is sometimes referred to as

“living death.” You can’t just go on with life and pretend it never happened. Just as with a marriage covenant, someone who follows Christ is bound to be faithful to Him. Neglecting our covenant with God by putting money, success, or relationships as a higher priority is a serious offense to God. BEING TRUE TO THE METAPHOR

As a single person, does your longing for intimacy remind you that you were created for more? The answer isn’t to have sex but to pursue the God who created you with those deep longings. If you’re

married, do you view sexual intimacy as a physical expression of your covenant promise, or is it all about pursuing your own desires? Even in the grief of broken promises

Our sexual choices and experiences have true spiritual significance because the gospel is written within our sexuality.

Satan tempted Eve to rebel by convincing her that God’s rules were meant for her harm rather than for her good. He is still using this strategy today, telling us that God is a cosmic spoilsport who wants to prevent us from expressing the sexual love we feel, finding our true sexual identity, and being romantically fulfilled. The God of the Bible is presented as a tyrant who wants people to stay in unhappy marriages and endure decades of suppressing the sexual urges that He supposedly gave us. As a result, we think, How could God possibly be loving in light of these restrictions? Certainly, I’m a better judge of what’s good for me than He is. We can see the success of Satan’s strategy in the many who have either walked away from God or re-created an image of God to make Him appear more loving and accepting.