Soft in the Middle

by Shelby Eileen

hearts come undone like strings of pearls feelings disappear like earrings by now my jewellery box is almost empty

the only requirement of loving me is that you do it gently and gently does not mean less than it simply means softly, knowingly, responsibly

I’m just trying to figure out how to remain soft in a world that only knows how to be hard

it is ok to love girls for the very reasons they are also called weak it is ok to love kindness it is ok to love feather touches it is ok to love her gentle (it is even ok to love her before you learn to love yourself)

words are the best version of me words love me words build me words wreck me words work wonderfully when I can’t find my voice words are all we have

I have loved, love, will always love, half of my heart has always existed outside of myself completely out of my control

I think people are like stories and when they write you into their lives that’s something to be thankful for even if it’s just for a chapter I’m so glad to have pages with your smile on them

sometimes it hurts so bad that all I can think is “holy shit”

conversations with my parents I I don't want kids. Would you really be mad at me if you didn't have grandchildren? I would be disappointed, yes. You sound so selfish. can't My friend- Is she big like you? ever I hate you bitch forget

I hope you at least think of me sometimes just once in a while just fleetingly as you get dressed for the day just passingly as you order your coffee just warmly as you hear someone else say my name on the street I hope you at least think of me a little while I’m thinking of you a lot because if not the universe will be horribly out of balance all thanks to our own broken scale always leaning dangerously more into my heart than yours

how do I let you go? how do I just let go of what my hands wanted to hold so badly they shook with desire of what made my chaotic heart finally, finally calm of what my stars told me I needed again and again and again and still

This is just an honest letter to you. My heart finally deviated enough for me to write to someone new.

what about my body is virgin? untouched? my fingertips have created a language only the insides of my thighs respond to I am beautifully experienced without the help of anyone outside of myself

I think the reason we don’t depend on the sound of the other’s voice or the sight of the other’s face or the feel of the other’s body is because I fell in love with you through words I feel you in everything you write I hear it loud and clear it moves me to tears it started with words it could end there too there’s nothing cold about loving you like this

I never felt more beautiful than when she said it through the wire across the stars

*asexual would the world know what to do with all the poems I could write about loving myself at night

fat girls teach themselves all the names of the bones thin girls wear on the outside of their bodies

I want to wake up inhaling the air electric crisp and lively lovely side effects of living palm to palm with nature I want to share this life with someone whose dreams are crowded canvases waiting to step into the world and paint it lustrously new aiming to wash away the loudness, the loneliness I want to celebrate every precious little minute we are lucky to live on a planet of shimmering seas and goddess green in a galaxy layered in starlight in a space so vivid lush and endless

For now, it doesn’t matter how often or how truthfully I claim to be moved on from what we shared. It doesn’t matter because, maybe forever, you are who is in my mind for every love poem I read. It doesn’t matter if it’s about how good love feels, how painful it is when it ends, how destructive it is when it breaks, how gentle it is when it’s with you. Your face and your hands and your smile and your body will never leave my mind no matter how far away from love we may move.