How to Be an Adult: A Handbook on Psychological and Spiritual Integration

by David Richo

Fear of Abandonment Fear of Engulfment Fear of independence so that one: Fear of dependency so that one: Has trouble letting go when the other needs space Has trouble making a commitment Seeks maximum contact (clings) Seeks more space (distances) Is enmeshed or obsessive about the other’s story Takes the other for granted or is indifferent Is caretaking of the other and not of oneself Feels entitled to need fulfillment by the other Always wants to give more (sense of never giving enough) Construes giving as obligating or receiving as smothering Goes along with others’ ideas, plans, or timing Needs to be in control, to make decisions, or to be right Has no personal boundaries or bottom line for abuse Has no tolerance of disloyalty or inadequacy Copes with any conduct Has rigid boundaries with no tolerance of error Is addicted to the other Seduces the other and then withholds Needs constant reassurance that the other will stay Needs the other to “stay put while I come and go at will” Fears aloneness Becomes anxious with extended togetherness Rationalizes (makes excuses that enable coping) Intellectualizes (thinks or explains away feelings) Protects the other from the impact of one’s own feelings Avoids or minimizes one’s own and the other’s feelings Shows fear, represses anger Shows anger, represses fear Distress in comings/goings Distress in giving/receiving Manifests clinging, closeness, and reaching out Manifests coldness, rigidity, and distance