Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

by Henry Cloud

Saying no to adults, who are responsible for getting their own needs met, may cause some discomfort. They may have to look elsewhere. But it doesn’t cause injury.

Even when someone has a valid problem, there are times when we can’t sacrifice for some reason or another.

This is a crucial point. We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships. The reason is simple: Having more than one person in our lives allows our friends to be human. To be busy. To be unavailable at times. To hurt and have problems of their own. To have time alone.

Here are some of the things our “negative” emotions tell us. Fear tells us to move away from danger, to be careful. Sadness tells us that we’ve lost something—a relationship, an opportunity, or an idea. Anger is also a signal. Like fear, anger signals danger. However, rather than urging us to withdraw, anger is a sign that we need to move forward to confront the threat. Jesus’ rage at the defilement of the temple is an example of how this feeling functions (John 2:13–17).

Anger tells us that our boundaries have been violated. Much like a nation’s radar defense system, angry feelings serve as an “early warning system,” telling us we’re in danger of being injured or controlled.

“So that’s why I find myself hostile to pushy salesmen!” Carl exclaimed. He couldn’t understand why he had a hard time loving sales personnel who couldn’t hear his no. They were attempting to get inside his financ...

Anger also provides us with a sense of power to solve a problem. It energizes us to protect ourselves, tho...

However, as with all emotions, anger doesn’t understand time. Anger doesn’t dissipate automatically if the danger occurred two minutes ago—or twenty years ago! It has to be worked through appropriately. Otherwise, anger simply lives inside the heart.

This is why individuals with injured boundaries often are shocked by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting limits. This is generally not “new anger”—it’s “old anger.” It’s often years of nos that were never voiced, never respected, and never listened to. The protests against all the evil and violation of our souls sit inside us, waiting to tell their truths.

Don’t fear the rage you discover when you first begin your boundary development. It is the protest of earlier parts of your soul. Those parts need to be unveiled, understood, and loved by God and people. And then you need to take responsibility for healing them and developing better boundaries.

This brings us to an important point about anger: The more biblical our boundaries are, the less anger we experience! Individuals with mature boundaries are the least angry people in the world. While those who are just beginning boundary work see their anger increase, this passes as boundaries grow and develop.

What do we owe those who are kind to us, who have genuinely cared for us? We owe them thanks. And from our grateful heart, we should go out and help others.

We need to distinguish here between those who “give to get” and those who truly give selflessly. It’s generally easy to tell the difference. If the giver is hurt or angered by a sincere thanks, the gift was probably a loan. If the gratitude is enough, you probably received a legitimate gift with no feelings of guilt attached.

Adults who do not stand on their own financially are still children. To be an adult, you must live within your means and pay for your own failures.

Triangulation is the failure to resolve a conflict between two persons and the pulling in of a third to take sides. This is a boundary problem because the third person has no business in the conflict but is used for comfort and validation by the ones who are afraid to confront each other.

Never say to a third party something about someone that you do not plan to say to the person himself.

Some people were born to take care of their parents. They did not sign up for this duty; they inherited it. Today we call these people “codependent.” Early in life they learned they were responsible for their parents, who were stuck in childish patterns of irresponsibility.

Good boundaries prevent resentment. Giving is good. Make sure, however, that it is the proper amount for your situation and resources.

When you refuse to forgive someone, you still want something from that person, and even if it is revenge that you want, it keeps you tied to that person forever.

Refusing to forgive a family member is one of the main reasons people are stuck for years, unable to separate from their dysfunctional families. They still want something from them. It is much better to receive grace from God, who has something to give, and to forgive those who have no money to pay their debt. This ends your suffering, because it ends the wish for repayment that is never forthcoming and that makes your heart sick because your hope is deferred (Prov. 13:12).

If you do not forgive, you are demanding something your offender does not choose to give, even if it is only confession of what he did. This “ties” him to you and ruins boundaries. Let go of the dysfunctional ...

“The difference is that you wouldn’t be wanting something that he didn’t want to give.

He wanted her to stop wanting instead of his learning to say no.

Taking responsibility for someone’s anger, pouting, and disappointments by giving in to that person’s demands or controlling behavior destroys love in a marriage.

In evaluating the pain that your boundary setting causes your spouse, remember that love and limits go together.

Spouses who are wise and loving will accept boundaries and act responsibly toward them. Spouses who are controlling and self-centered will react angrily.

Remember that a boundary always deals with yourself, not the other person. You are not demanding that your spouse do something—even respect your boundaries. You are setting boundaries to say what you will do or will not do. Only these kinds of boundaries are enforceable, for you do have control over yourself.

Do not confuse boundaries with a new way to control a spouse. It is the opposite. It is giving up c...

Passive boundaries, such as withdrawal, triangulation, pouting, affairs, and passive-aggressive behavior, are extremely destructive to a relationship.

you may need to stop confusing your parent with your spouse. No other relationship repeats parental conflicts more often than the marriage relationship.

We need bonding and support before we build boundaries; the fear of abandonment keeps many people from setting boundaries in the first place.

Not to forgive is to lack boundaries. Unforgiving people allow other people to control them. Setting people who have hurt you free from an old debt is to stop wanting something from them; it sets you free as well. Forgiving can lead to proactive behavior in the present instead of passive wishes from the past.

Children need to have a sense of control and choice in their lives. They need to see themselves not as the dependent, helpless pawns of parents but as choosing, willing, initiative-taking agents of their own lives.

The problem is, the longer we hate and resist the limits of others, the more dependent we will be on others.

heeding others’ boundaries helps children to love. At its heart, the idea of respecting others’ boundaries is the basis for empathy, or loving others as we’d like to be loved.

The goal of boundaries is an internal sense of motivation, with self-induced consequences.

If you are being saddled with another person’s responsibilities and feel resentful, you need to take responsibility for your feelings and realize that your unhappiness is not your coworker’s fault, but your own. In this as in any other boundary conflict, you first must take responsibility for yourself.

When we worked as psychologists at the same hospital, we often covered hospital duty for each other or took each other’s “on call” time. But if one of us started taking advantage of the other, we would have needed to stop that. Covering for the other at that point would have been enabling a bad pattern of not being helpful.

Favors and sacrifices are part of the Christian life. Enabling is not. Learn to tell the difference by seeing if your giving is helping the other to become better or worse.

“Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”

Whatever you do, remember that your job overload is your responsibility and your problem. If your job is driving you crazy, you need to do something about it. Own the problem. Stop being a victim of an abusive situation and start setting some limits.

Effective workers do two things: they strive to do excellent work, and they spend their time on the most important things.

If you find yourself having disproportionately strong reactions to someone, take some time and look inside to see if the feelings are familiar. Do they remind you of someone from the past? Did Mom or Dad treat you like that? Do they have the same personality as this person?

You are responsible for working out these feelings. Until you face your own feelings, you can’t even see who others really are. You are looking at them through your own distortions, through your own unfinished business. When you see others clearly without transference, you will know how to deal with them.

Whenever you experience strong feelings, see them as part of your responsibility. This will lead you to any unfinished business and healing, as well as keep you from acting irrationally

In a society where the family, church, and community are not the social support structures they once were, people look to their colleagues for the emotional support a family once provided. This lack of boundaries between the personal and work life is fraught with all sorts of difficulties.

Health comes from owning unmet childhood needs and working them out.

You must make sure that your boundaries are strong enough that you do not let others define you. Instead, work with God to find out who you really are and what kind of work you are made for.

Finding the kind of work that fits your strengths and passions involves taking risks. First you need to firmly establish your identity, separating yourself from those you are attached to and following your desires. You must take ownership of how you feel, how you think, and what you want. You must assess your talents and limitations. And then you must begin to step out as God leads you.

Maturity comes from having choices and having to exercise them well or lose them.