Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

by Henry Cloud

The Greek words for burden and load give us insight into the meaning of these texts. The Greek word for burden means “excess burdens,” or burdens that are so heavy that they weigh us down. These burdens are like boulders.

In contrast, the Greek word for load means “cargo,” or “the burden of daily toil.”

Problems arise when people act as if their “boulders” are daily loads and refuse help, or as if their “daily loads” are boulders they shouldn’t have to carry.

You should not continue to set yourself up for hurt and disappointment.

The problem comes when someone interrupts the law of sowing and reaping in another’s life.

1. You have the power to agree with the truth about your problems.

2. You have the power to submit your inability to God.

3. You have the power to search and ask God and others to reveal more and more about what is within your boundaries.

4. You have the power to turn from the evil that you find within you.

5. You have the power to humble yourself and ask God and others to help you with your developmental injuries and leftover childhood needs.

6. You have the power to seek out those whom you have injured and make amends.

The first thing you need to learn is that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem.

Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It cannot jump across the room and hurt you.

Third, do not let anger be a cue for you to do something.

you need to do. Fourth, make sure you have your support system in place.

Fifth, do not allow the angry person to get you angry.

Sixth, be prepared to use physical distance and other limits that enforce consequences.

1. Recognize guilt messages.

2. Guilt messages are really anger in disguise.

3. Guilt messages hide sadness and hurt.

4. If guilt works on you, recognize that this is your problem and not theirs.

5. Do not explain or justify.

6. Be assertive and interpret their messages as being about their feelings.

First, figure out what it is that you are getting for your lack of boundaries and what you stand to lose by setting boundaries.

Second, decide if you are willing to risk loss.

Third, be diligent about making up for what you have lost.

Fourth, do it.

Fifth, realize that the hard part is just beginning.

God forgave the world, but the whole world is not reconciled to him.

Forgiveness takes one; reconciliation takes two.

Remember, God is your model. He did not wait for people to change their behavior before he stopped condemning them. He is finished condemning, but that does not mean that he has a relationship with all people.

To forgive means acknowledging we will never get from that person what was owed us.

One of the first signs that you’re beginning to develop boundaries is a sense of resentment, frustration, or anger at the subtle and not-so-subtle violations in your life.