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Caring for someone so that they’ll care back for us is simply an indirect means of controlling someone else.
Because in their heart of hearts, they know that the only reason people spend time with them
Those with a critical spirit toward others’ needs (a projection of our own hatred of our needs onto others,
Those who are so absorbed in their own desires and needs they exclude others
They see others as responsible for their struggles and are on the lookout for someone to take care of them.
Relational boundaries refers to the ability to speak truth to others with whom we are in relationship.
Because when we lack relationship, we have nowhere to go in a conflict. When we are not secure that we are loved, we are forced to choose between two bad options:
We don’t set limits and remain a prisoner to the wishes of another.
This young man has energy but no impulse control, no boundaries on his passions.
“We don’t want Casey to feel that her affection is something she owes people. We’d like her to be in charge of her life.”
helping the child respect others’ boundaries.
The ability to be emotionally attached to others, yet without giving up a sense of self and one’s freedom to be apart.
You’re lovable when you behave. You aren’t lovable when you don’t behave.
When I’m good, I am loved. When I’m bad, I am cut off.
At the same time, they learn to fear, distrust, and hate their aggressive, truth-telling, and separate parts.
The problem with overcontrol is this: while a major responsibility of good parents is certainly to control and protect, they must make room for their children to make mistakes.
They also have problems taking risks and being creative.
Sometimes recovery comes in the form of hospitalization, sometimes in divorce, sometimes in jail, and sometimes in disease. But no one can really escape the disciplines of life. They will always win out.
They become unsure that they are safe and protected in the world, and they become frightened that they have no say-so in any danger that approaches them.
Their anger always terrified him, and he would instantly comply. Jerry’s boundary development was seriously injured by his mother’s abuse.
You have the power to agree with the truth about your problems.
You have the power to submit your inability to God.
But the Bible says whenever we judge, we will be judged (Matt. 7:1–2). When we judge others’ boundaries, ours will fall under the same judgment.
His motive for giving was not love, but fear of losing love.
Some people give in to others because they feel that that will “win” love and end their loneliness.
Many people have received things with guilt messages attached.
Many feel as if they are still children seeking parental approval. Therefore, when someone wants something
Overidentification with the other’s loss. Many times people have not dealt with all their own disappointments and losses, so
Things can hurt and not harm us. In fact, they can even be good for us. And things that feel good can be very harmful to us.”
You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person, but that does not mean you
should avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger. To have boundaries—in this instance, Jason’s saying no to his partner—is to live a purposeful life.
“Speak truthfully to your neighbor, for [you] are all members of one body”
They need to get out of the powerless, victimized place in which they may have been forced by physical and sexual abuse, or by emotional blackmail and manipulation.
We should herald their emancipation.
Eventually, you must rejoin the human race you have reacted to, and establish connections as equals, loving your neighbor as yourself.
Do not try to get to freedom without owning your reactive period and feelings. You do not need to act this out, but you do need to express the feelings. You need to practice and gain assertiveness.
You need to get far enough away from abusive people to be able to fence your property against further invasion. And
Boundaryless people feel empty and unfulfilled. They look at another’s sense of fullness and feel envious.
I would notice that the ones who are doing what they like have had to take some risks and sometimes work and go to school to change jobs. That may just be more than I
This aggressive “workout” strengthens the bird, allowing it to function in the outside world. Robbed of this responsibility, it will die.
We can’t wait passively for others to take care of us. Jesus told us to “Ask . . . seek . . . knock” (Matt. 7:7). We are to “work out [our] salvation with fear and trembling” (Phil. 2:12). Even knowing that
People who have shaky limits are often compliant on the outside but rebellious and resentful on the inside.
But he’s an influential leader at church. He could jeopardize my relationships with some of the other leaders. I wonder which
She genuinely believes in boundaries, but she is terrified of their consequences.
Tell them no in some area. You’ll either come out with increased intimacy—or learn
Many marriages are strengthened after boundaries are set because the spouse begins to miss the relationship.
Her feeling of anger and injustice had been difficult to keep hidden. It had even slipped out in a couple of sarcastic comments about the boss’s “golfing Fridays,” comments that Brenda had had no intention of making.
It’s no secret that quite often, when people begin telling the truth, setting limits, and taking responsibility, an “angry cloud” follows them around for a while. They
It has to be worked through appropriately. Otherwise, anger simply lives inside the heart.
This is why individuals with injured boundaries often are shocked by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting limits.
