Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

by Henry Cloud

You can empathize lovingly and stay in the conversation without giving in or being controlled.

When we begin to set boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing happens: they hurt. They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a loss. If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch. But when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your limit setting may nudge them toward responsibility.

they make it sound as though their misery is because of your not giving something to them, they are blaming and demanding what is yours. This is very different from a humble person asking out of need.

Listen to the nature of other people’s complaints; if they are trying to blame you for something they should take responsibility for, confront them.

Forgiveness is something that we do in our hearts; we release someone from a debt they owe us. We write off the person’s debt, and she no longer owes us. We no longer condemn her. She is clean. Only one party is needed for forgiveness: me. The person who owes me a debt does not have to ask my forgiveness. It is a work of grace in my heart.

Reconciliation involves two. Do not think that because you have forgiven that you have to reconcile. You can offer reconciliation, but it must be contingent on the other person owning her behavior and bringing forth trustworthy fruits.

not to forgive is the most self-destructive thing we can do.

Forgiveness is very hard. It means letting go of something that someone “owes” you. Forgiveness is freedom from the past; it is freedom from the abusive person who hurt you.